5 Steps to Discover What You Really Want

#1 Get in Touch with Your Desires

Start with just allowing yourself to want things. Allow yourself to get in touch with your desires by starting with any desire, no matter how simple, unrealistic or childish.

Ask yourself, “What do I really want in my life right now?”

Start asking yourself this often – a few times a day, even if you don’t have an answer yet.

Realize that it’s okay to have strong desires. We’re often taught to suppress wanting things because it’s too selfish or immoral. However, wanting things to be different in your life doesn’t mean you can’t appreciate what you already have now.

#2 Tune Into Your Feelings

Getting in touch with your feelings will lead you to a clearer understanding of your deepest desires and motivations.

Desire is a feeling, and if you’re in the habit of suppressing your feelings, then you won’t be able to connect with what you really want.

You may be thinking “Yuck – feelings – those just slow me down.” But our feelings are important because they tell us whether we’re living our life aligned with our highest values and desires.

Taking the time to be aware of our feelings is not easy. If you’ve been suppressing them for a while, you might find a lot of negative emotions bottled up inside of you.

However, it’s normal to feel this way. It’s therapeutic to feel and express our feelings so we can let them go. We do not have to dwell in them. By allowing ourselves to fully feel our negative emotions, we can effectively learn from and release them, creating more room for our positive ones.

You cannot choose which feelings to suppress and which to feel – you have to allow yourself to experience all of them – and only then will you be able to learn from them and let them go.

Ego Desires vs. Higher Self Desires

Goals that stem from your ego are merely expressions of what your ego thinks it needs to feel ‘complete’ or ‘safe.’ While they may superficially feel good to achieve, ultimately they stem from your insecurities and you shouldn’t expect to feel truly fulfilled by them in the long-run.

To decipher whether your goal is motivated from your ego (fear) or your higher self (love) reflect on the question, ‘Why do I want this?’

If the answer comes from a perspective of yourself that is not whole or is lacking in some way, it is likely that it is an egoic desire.

If the desire comes from a perspective of fullness and completeness within yourself, while still wanting more, then it is likely to be a desire from your ‘higher’ self.

Know the Difference

Here is an example: Say your desire is to become an Instagram model. The desire itself is neutral, meaning not inherently good or bad, but your motivation behind the desire will show you which part of yourself it’s coming from.

Ask yourself ‘Why do I want to become an Instagram model?’ You can write down whatever pops out of your mind and then explore your answer.

Perhaps you write down, “To get lots of followers, to make money, to feel beautiful, to show how sexy and desirable I am, to validate myself in _______ way.”

Explore if the goal is to validate yourself in some way, and question whether you believe it will make you feel better about yourself or prove to others your ‘worthiness’ after you achieved it.

This is a sure-fire sign that the goal is coming from your egoic self.

But if your motivation for that same goal is to, say, “Inspire others, express my creativity, connect with others, inspire people to love themselves more, earn a living that allows me to have more freedom and be able to travel, etc.” Then, this is likely to be a goal coming from your ‘higher’ self.

This means that your goal is coming from your higher perspective that you’re already worthy, beautiful, valuable and complete. This desire comes from a place of inner wholeness and self-love. It’s a totally different energy and intention. It seeks to create, collaborate and connect, rather than to compete with others to prove yourself special or superior.

#4 Start with Small Goals to Build Confidence

To discover what you really want – start with setting small, simple goals. Make a short list of small goals that you already know for certain you want.

For instance, maybe you want to improve your diet, make new friends, or find a new job.

Stick with each small goal until you have achieved it. This will build your confidence and self-discipline. You’ll feel empowered knowing you can achieved something you set your mind to.

Often, you have to experience what you don’t want, before you can discover what you really want. This can only happen by taking action now, instead of waiting.

#5 Become Process Oriented

While goal setting is important for personal development, we must remember that goals alone won’t make us truly happy.

To discover what you really want, become process-oriented, rather than outcome-oriented. Process-oriented means you focus more on the day-to-day habits and routines that ultimately lead to your goals.

Ask yourself, ‘What lifestyle do I want to lead?’ Instead of solely focusing on how much money you want to make, think about what kind of work you would enjoy.

Ask yourself what are the kinds of things you want to be able to do if you earned your desirable amount of income. It may be ample time to spend with your family, outdoors, or to travel frequently.

Next, consider the type of work that would allow you to live the day-to-day lifestyle that would bring you true satisfaction.

Learn to Enjoy the Process

If your goal is to get in shape, instead of setting a static goal of your ideal weight – set habit goals. For example, you would set certain days/times that you exercise and meal prep.

Learn to enjoy the process of working towards your goal, since these daily routines are what ultimately make up the majority of our lives. If you find that you can’t get yourself to enjoy the process towards your goal, then it’s likely you won’t be happy with your goal once you’ve achieved it.

As cheesy as it may sound, goals alone won’t bring us lasting fulfillment. It’s the way we’re able to live our lives each day that brings us deeper satisfaction. So reflect on what type of lifestyle you want to be able to lead, rather than static goal outcomes.

Closing Thoughts

It can be overwhelming to think about what we truly want in life. However, discovering it for yourself will be worth the effort. If we’re not in touch with our own desires, then we live life based on what others’ want for us.

Inaction leads to indecision so don’t wait -start right now. Start with setting small goals. Moving towards them will lead you to greater clarity for your bigger goals.

Every time you achieve even small goals, you learn more about yourself in the process. By knowing yourself better, you’ll be closer to knowing what you truly want in life.

Lastly, remember that achieving goals alone doesn’t create lasting happiness. Instead, become process-oriented, rather than outcome-oriented. Focus on defining the kind of lifestyle you want to lead. How we choose to live our lives each day, ultimately brings us more satisfaction than outcomes alone.

Learn more about mindful living with 10 Ways Mindfulness Changed my Life and Calming Mindfulness Quotes.