It can be a tough, lonely world for those with social anxiety. I personally know the pain and struggle of having social anxiety. I’ve been there many times – feeling confused, depressed, isolated, and not knowing what to do or who to talk to about it. However, you don’t have to let it rob you of happiness and enjoyment of life. Read on for my 5 Tips for Living Fully with Social Anxiety.
Social anxiety can make developing relationships a big challenge. It can hold you back significantly in education and career success. It can also lead to feeling isolated, inadequate, and like you’re always ‘on edge,’ and unable to relax.
But, believe me – it gets better.
There are many practical solutions you can learn to reduce your anxiety and enable you to still live a full, happy, and fulfilling life.
However, it does take some time to learn to manage your social anxiety and there is no one ‘quick fix.’ It is best to see a licensed therapist or psychologist to help you with the process, especially if your social anxiety is severe.
But in the meantime, don’t wait to enjoy living your life fully now, even while having social anxiety.
5 Tips for Living Fully with Social Anxiety:
#1 Take a Deep Breath
Okay, so maybe you just realized you have social anxiety. It can be tough to admit this to ourselves. Just start with taking a big, deep breath. Try your best to relax and give your mind a break.
Your mind is probably racing a mile a minute trying to come up with a solution, replaying past cringe-worthy moments, or berating yourself for having this problem in the first place.
I’ll admit this is an issue that is going to take some time to improve. Unfortunately, at this moment right now, there is nothing you can do about it. So, allow yourself to relax and just breathe.
When you’re calm and relaxed, you will be able to see this problem more clearly. With each expanding breath, your perspective also expands and this problem won’t seem as overwhelming as it does when you’re in a stressed out mood.
Deep breathing and relaxation will also help you to feel grounded, and when you feel grounded, you’ll feel more able to handle the challenges in your life.
Read More: 10 Powerful Ways Mindfulness Changed My Life
Allow Yourself to Relax
Remember that you don’t have to figure this all out right now. It’s okay to not know exactly what to do next, or why you’re experiencing social anxiety. Tell yourself it’s okay to not have all the answers right now.
Making time to relax will help you break the cycle of the anxiety loop. When you worry about your social anxiety, it is just adding on more anxiety – then you have anxiety about your anxiety. It’s a vicious cycle.
There are many things you can do to help you relax. I highly recommend meditation. Meditation does not have to be associated with any religion or spiritual practice. It just means focusing on your breathing so that your attention moves away from anxious thoughts and back into your body.
Developing a consistent meditation practice, even as little as 5-10 minutes a day, can significantly reduce your anxiety. Meditation quiets your mind and helps you focus on the present moment. It’s like an ‘off’ switch for your mind, giving it some much needed rest.
It is helpful for both reducing social anxiety and helping you cope with the stress of worrying even when you’re not in social situations.
Taking deep breaths and relaxing will help you create inner space around your problems. This creates a soothing sense of detachment. This doesn’t mean that you no longer care about the problem or will no longer work to find solutions. It just means that you feel less attached to your problem. You will be more able to see that it’s just one small part of who you are and your life, albeit a not so great part – but that it’s not all consuming.
No matter how bad things may seem right now, remind yourself that it’s probably not as bad as you think they are. When we’re stressed, our minds always make our problems seem much, much worse than what they really are. Relax and trust that things will work out, even if you can’t conceive of the ‘how’ part yet.
Make time to find other ways to relax as well. Find a routine that works for you. You could take a relaxing walk, a bath, listen to soothing music, exercise, or anything else that helps to quiet your mind.
#2 Show Yourself Some Love – Now
This tip is the most important, but also the most difficult to practice. It can be so hard to love ourselves when we’re struggling with social anxiety.
You may believe that having social anxiety makes you inadequate, weak, or inferior to others. But this is not true. It does not define who you are or your value as a person.
You are More than your Anxiety
Every human being on this Earth has their own flaws, personal issues, and struggles to deal with. It only feels like our flaws are worse than others because they’re more visible. It’s pretty difficult to hide social anxiety from others. But for example, with an issue like anger, or obsessive-compulsive disorder, or… say a gambling addiction, it can be a lot easier to mask.
Let go of comparing yourself to others. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking other people are more competent or worthy than you. If you only looked closer, you’d find that others have just as many problems, insecurities, and imperfections as you do – we just have different ways of expressing them.
Give Yourself a Break
Stop beating yourself up internally for having social anxiety. Remind yourself that we all have our issues and inner struggles. Everyone develops unconscious habits, behaviors, and mindsets while growing up. As children, these behaviors helped us to cope with our childhood environments.
Give yourself a break, it’s not your fault for having developed social anxiety. You are a product of your upbringing just like everyone else is. However, this does not mean that you should play the victim card, or that you cannot change or improve for the better.
Ask yourself how your social anxiety was caused by your upbringing or past experiences. Reflect if there was any way it was once helpful or comforting to you during your childhood years.
For example, I grew up with an extremely critical father who would burst into an angry rage whenever I disagreed with or upset him. I learned to remain quiet, submissive, and not express my true opinions to keep the peace and avoid being blamed for his temper tantrums. I learned to fear conflict and disapproval at all costs.
Remind yourself it’s not your fault. You were just doing the best you could to protect yourself and cope with the challenges of your environment.
Practice being forgiving to yourself and let go of judging yourself harshly for having social anxiety. Coping with it is already tough enough, internally beating yourself up about it will only make your anxiety worse.
Learn to love yourself, in the meantime, while you’re on this journey of improvement and self-growth. Don’t wait until you’re ‘perfect’ to give yourself the love you crave. Loving yourself will help you to relax, maintain a positive perspective, and improve more quickly.
Read More: How to Deal with Shame and Reduce Anxiety
How to Show Yourself Love
A simple way to do this is to write an encouraging letter to yourself. You can write this in a journal or even just on your phone. Speak to yourself as you would to a close friend or a young child.
Remind yourself that you’re trying your best and that it’s okay to be imperfect. Tell yourself that things will get better, no matter how challenging they may seem right now. The goal is to replace your critical inner voice with a loving, forgiving, and supportive one.
You can also do this as a journal exercise to help release negative thoughts and feelings. First, write down your negative thoughts. Then, write down a rebuttal in a voice that is encouraging, loving, and supportive. Practice talking to yourself as you would to a close friend who you care about deeply.
Another way to show yourself love is to do something you enjoy such as a fun hobby or relaxing pastime. You can practice self-care by taking a nice bath, pampering yourself, or other things that make you feel loved.
#3 Focus on the Positive
I’ll admit it sucks having social anxiety. It’s painful, awkward, isolating, and disheartening.
However, to be honest, there are so many much, much worse problems you could have in this world. I’m not saying you should always compare yourself to others, but it is important to take a step back and focus on the areas that are good in your life too.
The sad fact is that there are many people in this world who are struggling just to put food on the table, don’t have a safe place to live, are battling a life-threatening illness, or live in an oppressive, war-torn society. There are people who would give so much to be able to trade places with you and have your problems.
It’s helpful to keep this in mind and realize that on the grander scale, there are many worse problems you could be experiencing other than social anxiety. Keep a positive attitude and focus on the other good aspects already in your life.
Practice Gratitude
When we’re fixated on our social anxiety, it can consume our whole life perspective and make us feel like everything in our life is horrible. Instead, take a moment to acknowledge the many good things in your life that you have to be grateful for right now. It may be your close friends, family, a nice place to live, or just the fact that you’re healthy and still have your whole life ahead of you.
Practicing gratitude regularly can reduce depression and help you realize that although you struggle with social anxiety, there are other parts of your life that are going very well. Social anxiety is just one small part of who you are and only one aspect of your entire life. Don’t let it define your whole life story or personal identity.
No one’s life is perfect, and we all have areas we want to improve upon. Don’t let your social anxiety stop you from feeling grateful for and enjoying all the good you already have in your life now.
The journey of self-improvement is slow and steady. Life is short, so don’t let your social anxiety stop you from fully living your life to the fullest right now. Highlight and focus on your strengths and the other areas in your life that are already thriving.
Focus on Your Strengths
Although communicating with strangers may be your weak point, you were born with just as many strengths and unique gifts as anyone else. Remind yourself of your strengths, of what makes you unique and awesome. Think of what your close friends and family admire about you. Those who truly care about you don’t care whether you’re socially awkward or not.
Focus on strengthening the relationships with the people in your life who already get you. Who you feel naturally comfortable with being yourself. Living fully with social anxiety means finding like-minded friends who you don’t need to change yourself for.
Don’t let your flaws dictate your opinion of yourself. Don’t let your social anxiety define who you think you are. You are so much more and have a lot of value to bring into this world just as you are now.
Stop Focusing on What Others Think
Maybe you botched a presentation or blew a hot date. Or perhaps you keep getting asked the dreaded, “Why are you so quiet?” Or maybe you were made fun of in public for your social anxiety.
It hurts to feel rejected, judged and ridiculed by others. However, no one cares as much as you think they do. Sure, a judgement or two might have crossed their mind, but I can assure you that other people are not thinking about you as much as you think they are.
Other people are mostly fixated on themselves. This is just human nature. They’re too busy worrying about themselves and their own issues to really care enough to judge your social skills.
People are not negatively judging you as much as you think they are. Anxiety just makes it seem that way. Not everyone is negatively judging you or making fun of you behind your back. In fact, most are probably not thinking about you at all.
What really hurts us is not what others think or say, but what we think about ourselves. You have no way of knowing what people are really thinking about you. So, don’t waste your time. Just focus on improving the relationship you have with yourself first and foremost.
Don’t Take Yourself so Seriously
Learn to not take yourself so seriously and it will help you to break the habit of being overly self-conscious. When you’re able to laugh at yourself it expands your perspective. Suddenly your problems won’t seem so daunting. Living fully with social anxiety means embracing imperfection.
I admit I’m still working on this. Whenever others who I don’t know well poke fun at me I tend to get very tense and self-conscious. It brings up past pain of my father criticizing me and being made fun of at school for being too shy.
But I’ve realized that not everyone is ‘out to get me’ or trying to make me feel bad about myself. Of course, you should never tolerate disrespect or abuse. But if it’s just light-hearted joking then learn to laugh at your flaws too. We all have them. You are imperfectly perfect… perhaps even a hot mess, and that’s okay. You’re on the journey of figuring out who you are, just like all the rest of us.
#4 Keep a Journal
Writing your upset feelings down will help you feel better and relieve stress. Write down your thoughts to declutter your mind and helps you think more clearly. It’s also a powerful way to express painful emotions.
Writing about your painful emotions can be difficult. You may not want to face them. This is a natural response, but it can be healing to express and explore our feelings through writing them out.
Best-selling author Kate Northrup says, “To heal it, you must feel it.” We can’t heal pain, trauma, or negative thinking if we don’t first acknowledge and explore their root causes.
Journaling as a regular habit is also a powerful tool for self-growth and transformation. Often, social anxiety is triggered by fears of rejection and disapproval. Through journaling and self-reflection, you explore deeper into the root causes of your anxiety.
When you’re able to start identifying your fears it makes them less scary and confusing. Then when uncomfortable feelings come up, you’ll have a clearer idea of what is really going on inside of you. It’ll also help you discover what you need improve upon.
Before I realized my social anxiety was caused by my fear of rejection, I thought it was just a random feeling that came over me that I could not control. But journaling and self-reflection helped me discover the causes and find effective ways to control it.
#5 Commit to Making Progress Every Day
Commit to making some progress every day, no matter how small it may be.
Choose to believe that your situation will get better, even if you don’t know exactly how yet. Have faith that you will find a way to improve. I know it’s possible because I’ve experienced it myself. I chose to embark on a journey of self-improvement and personal growth, and now I’m happier and more confident than ever before.
I’m still not exactly where I want to be yet, but I know I will get there eventually. Through the journey I’ve found my inner strength, and learned to love and value myself.
Don’t Play the Victim
It’s important to allow yourself to feel your painful emotions and have self-compassion. It’s okay to acknowledge that having social anxiety is difficult. However, you have to be careful to not fall into a ‘victim mentality.’
Playing the victim means not taking responsibility for your role in your experiences and behaviors. When you feel like a victim you don’t feel empowered to change and instead you’re waiting for someone or something outside of you to rescue you.
When you acknowledge that you’re responsible for creating your anxiety, (even if you don’t know how or why you’re creating it), you are also acknowledging that you are capable of finding a way to heal it within yourself. This realization is empowering and will motivate you to keep finding ways to improve.
Set Small Goals
Start with setting small goals and work on them one at a time. Going from, say, high social anxiety to absolutely zero anxiety is a big goal and will take some time. This doesn’t mean it’s not possible, but it’s more effective to break it into small chunks and celebrate small victories.
Also, make sure to clearly define your goals. Saying you just want to ‘be confident’ is too broad. For example, you could start with changing your negative, critical self-talk to positive, loving, and supportive self-talk. Or start with learning to practice mindful breathing for reducing anxious feelings.
Step Out of your Comfort Zone
If you want to improve, then you need to make it a consistent habit to step out of your comfort zone on a regular basis. The sad truth is if you never step out of your comfort zone and face your social anxiety, you’ll likely never improve upon it. But you don’t have to jump in all at once.
At least a few times a week, put yourself in a situation that makes you uncomfortable and triggers your anxiety. It could be at your job, going to a social event, taking a group class, or even going on a date.
Although it may be painful at times, the more you get out of your comfort zone, the faster you’ll progress. With each experience, experiment with different techniques and find which ones work best for you.
Celebrate your small victories and even the tiniest improvements and reductions in anxiety. Even when you don’t make progress, be proud of yourself for trying and having the courage to confront your anxiety.
Like Mary Anne Radmacher said, “Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow.'”
Conclusion
Living with social anxiety is tough, but it does not have to stop you from living fully. You can learn to apply effective techniques or therapy that will significantly reduce your anxiety.
However, it is a process and improvement takes time. But in the meantime, learn to love yourself just the way you are now.
Life is short, and it will always be full of challenges to overcome. You don’t have to let your challenges dictate your life story or define your worth as a person. You can still find joy and fulfillment in your life and develop meaningful relationships with those who accept you just as you are now.
Let go of comparing yourself to others and instead focus on your own journey. Just take it one step at a time. Through the process you’ll discover your own inner strength, resiliency, and capacity for change. You’ll learn to love, trust, and value yourself at a deeper level than ever before.
If you commit yourself to this constant improvement and self-discovery, one day you’ll realize how far you’ve come and will be able to find positive meaning in your journey.
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