If we’re not aware, we can easily get sucked into modern society’s culture of ‘not enough.’ Where it’s the norm to constantly compare ourselves to others – and then feel less than when we don’t measure up.
This limits us to a mindset of neediness. Where we can only perceive ourselves and our lives as always lacking something.
However, consuming or achieving more is not the answer.
Your Inner Child is a Needy Brat
It’s often said we should embrace our inner child.
But what if your inner child is a spoiled brat who is never happy with what it has?
Somewhere along the way, we adopted the notion that wanting is bad. That we should never be left wanting. We equate wanting with lacking which triggers vulnerability – and that’s scary.
So what do we do? We try to provide everything our inner child thinks it ‘needs.’ This leads to an entitled mentality and rigid ‘shoulds’ beliefs about our lives.
I should have a nicer car. I should have a name brand bag like Sheila. I shouldn’t have to wait. I shouldn’t have to go without _____ …
And we keep looking for things outside of ourselves to ease this inner neediness.
Read More:
How to Start a Mindfulness Practice
Why You Should Stop Fighting with Anxiety
Know the Difference: Real Needs vs. Wants
Our complex human minds have endless desires. We can think of a million ways to improve upon each and every single moment. Life is one way. But we’ll always want it to be different.
Wanting is not a bad thing – but it becomes dysfunctional when we can’t decipher between things we truly need and those we merely want.
A Pity Party for One
I like to think of myself as a minimalist. I don’t spend much on clothes or luxury items.
However, every now and then, I get buyers’ FOMO.
I’ll find myself rummaging through my closet cursing that I don’t have anything to wear. Then I feel sorry for myself because it seems my all friends have nicer, trendier clothes.
Or I get frustrated that my iPhone is an old model with a crappy camera. No fancy features. My friends always take the photos and send it to me, cause their quality is so much better.
Caught in a Lack Mentality
It’s not that wanting these things is wrong. Rather, it’s the false beliefs that this lack- filled perspective creates.
Two lies I tell myself when I’m in lack mode:
- I need those things.
- It shouldn’t be this way.
False Needs from a False Self
We so often tell ourselves we need certain things that are in fact just preferences.
I need new shoes. I need a new bag. I need a nicer jacket. I need a newer iPhone.
Of course, we may know that when we say the word ‘need’ – it’s not literal. However, telling ourselves we need certain material things – makes us believe it’s actually true – when it’s not.
Then our bodies respond as if it’s an urgent issue our actual survival depends upon. We get angry, anxious, and frustrated – thinking our needs are not being met. Our inner child rages into a hissy fit.
But when we stop wasting precious time and energy on things we don’t really need – we’re free to discover our higher needs and desires. The ones that lead to greater, longer-lasting fulfillment.
Watch Your Language
A simple way to resist the urge to accumulate more unnecessary junk – is to change the wording of your thoughts. Instead of telling yourself I really need new shoes – say I would really like some new shoes.
Change I need a new car to I’d prefer a new car.
This may seem minor, but it’ll help you realize it’s merely something you’d prefer – not absolutely need. You’ll start to see that in this moment – you already have more than enough.
You’ll start to change your mindset from one of lack to feeling complete.
But don’t get me wrong – I’m not saying there’re aren’t some things that you actually do need. Like if your job is two hours away and your car brakes down, you actually need a new car. However, know the difference – then decide on what’s really worth your attention and energy.
Neediness Creates Unhappiness
It’s not just products or clothes that we falsely tell ourselves we need.
We also lie to ourselves about other things:
I need their approval. I need to prove myself. I need to be successful. I need to be in a relationship.
Most of the time, we’re not even aware we have these thoughts. They’re unconscious beliefs playing out like background noise in our heads.
But if we stop and listen in more closely, we’ll find that most of our anxiety and stress are actually caused by these false beliefs.
Read More:
10 Powerful Ways Mindfulness Changed My Life
Why the Best Things in Life Have No ‘Meaning’
The Ego is the Small Self
That naughty inner child within you could also be called your ego.
If left unchecked, it’ll make you chase it around for your entire life. You’ll bend over backwards trying to provide it everything you think it wants or needs – but it’ll never be enough to satisfy it for long.
Your ego is just a mental self-image. It’s a concept in your head about who you think you are. Sometimes it feels inferior, other times it believes it’s superior – but either way it’s illusory.
If you’re familiar with the term your higher self – then the ego is your smaller insecure, needy self.
Don’t Let False Needs Run Your Life
False needs are the wants of the ego. Things, achievements, or recognition it thinks it needs to feel complete or like a somebody.
The problem is you’re already a somebody. You’re already enough, or worthy, just as you are now. But letting your ego run your life will keep you stuck in a lack mentality.
Then no matter what you consume or achieve, you’ll only be able to see yourself, and the world, from the fearful, limited perspective of your ego.
Needing Less to Be Happy Now
What I like about minimalism is that it’s about requiring less material things to be content in life. But this philosophy of needing less can also be applied to our inner lives too.
Practice needing less to be happy now. This means changing what you believe you must have or achieve – in order to be content in life.
Start with material things. Then move onto needing less in other areas like approval, recognition, certain goals or conditions, etc. It’s not that you no longer want these things or stop working to achieve them – you just don’t depend your entire happiness and self-identity on whether you get them or not.
“As I look at all the self-defeating behaviors out there, I think the biggest one is found in looking outside ourselves for the secret to happiness. I have learned that there is no way to happiness. Happiness itself is the way.”
Dr. Wayne Dyer (Happiness is the Way)
By needing less – both internally and externally – you can make the choice to be content now – instead of waiting for a someday that might never come.
