Are you waiting for your ‘someday’ to finally be happy? For the perfect moment, partner or body to finally feel the joy you so badly crave?
Most people delay feeling joy for reasons such as:
- They don’t believe they deserve it
- Scared it’ll make them complacent or lazy
- Are numb to their feelings
- Too focused on the future
According to the General Social Survey, every year since 1972, less than 30% of Americans report being very happy. That number dropped to only 14% during all the craziness of 2020 – the lowest in 50 years (NBC).
There’s definitely many valid reasons not to feel good right now. There’s countless horrific events occurring all over the world. The kind that keep you up at night and make you lose faith in humanity. I mean, how can we not be consumed with constant fear of disaster striking at any moment?
Joy Requires Vulnerability
However, author and researcher Brené Brown argues that there is also another reason why we’re not happy – because it requires vulnerability.
Through her research, she found that vulnerability and joy have a strong link. And that most people push away feelings of joy to avoid vulnerability – also called fear, uncertainty and emotional risk.
“When we spend our lives (knowingly or unknowingly) pushing away vulnerability, we can’t hold space open for the uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure of joy. For many of us, there’s even a physiological response – a “coming out of our skin” feeling. We’re desperate for more joy, but at the same time we can’t tolerate the vulnerability.”
Brené Brown, Daring Greatly
Therefore, to experience more joy in our lives, we have to learn to embrace vulnerability – but this requires courage, emotional risk, and becoming comfortable with uncertainty.
Joy vs. Happiness
Happiness generally refers to our overall life satisfaction. It’s based on our circumstances and is a long-lasting emotion.
But on the other hand, joy is usually defined as a feeling that happens spontaneously. It’s not directly connected to our life circumstances.
For example, holding your newborn baby, laughing with good friends, or doing something that requires you to be fully present – these may spark feelings of joy.
What is Vulnerability?
Vulnerability is a term that has gained a lot of popularity recently, especially in the self-help and psychology fields.
This is largely due to the work of Dr. Brené Brown, who is an author and research professor at the University of Houston. She has studied the effects of courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy for over two decades.
But she’s most famous for her message on the many benefits of vulnerability – including its strong link to happiness, close relationships, and personal fulfillment.
Some examples of vulnerability:
- Asking someone out on a date
- Saying, ‘I love you’ first
- Admitting when you made a mistake
- Listening to feedback or criticism from others
Vulnerability, defined by Brené Brown – is uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. Although most people view vulnerability as a weakness, her work proves how it actually requires courage and inner strength.
Check out her viral TedTalk.
Why We Fear Vulnerability and Joy
It may seem silly to be scared of joy. But all too often, this fear stops us from being able to fully enjoy life’s most profound moments.
For instance, when things start going really well for you – instead of celebrating, you’re paranoid with the fear of losing it all.
Or have you ever been so in love with someone that it scared you?
Love requires ultimate vulnerability. It’s absolutely blissful and at the same time completely terrifying. Why? Because of the uncertainty and emotional risk that comes with it.
“Waking up every day and loving someone who may or may not love us back, whose safety we can’t ensure, who may stay in our lives or may leave without a moment’s notice, who may be loyal to the day we die or betray us tomorrow – that’s vulnerability”
Brené Brown, Daring Greatly
It’s the same with joy. Just like love, joy can be equally as terrifying. It comes with the emotional risk of future disappointment.
We fear feeling joy because we’re afraid the next moment may bring some horrendous event. We’re scared of getting our hopes up only to be let down.
However, we can’t be present in the moment and feel the emotions of joy, when we’re too occupied with worrying about the future.
Avoiding Disappointment
In her book Daring Greatly, Brené Brown takes a deep dive into vulnerability and explains its power to radically transform our lives.
“In a culture of deep scarcity – of never feeling safe, certain, and sure enough – joy can feel like a setup. We wake up in the morning and think, Work is going well. Everyone in the family is healthy. No major crises are happening. The house is still standing. I’m working out and feeling good. Oh, shit. This is bad. This is really bad. Disaster must be lurking right around the corner.”
Brené Brown, Daring Greatly
It’s so much easier to numb our feelings. This may protect us from heartache and disappointment. However, when we numb bad feelings it prevents us from being able to feel the good ones too.
Fearing Disaster
Honestly, I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life right now. Living in Japan with my husband is a dream come true.
I could not ask for more -we’re healthy, have a beautiful home, and I’m more confident and emotionally stable than ever before.
However, this often sparks anxiety about things falling apart. It’s as if I have an unconscious belief that life can’t be this good, it should be a struggle, or I don’t deserve all this.
Don’t get me wrong, my life is definitely not perfect. But in a strange way, part of me feels guilty for being so happy and I fear that it won’t last.
Fortunately, after reading Daring Greatly, I found that I’m not alone in feeling this way:
“If, like me, you’ve ever stood over your children and thought to yourself, I love you so much I can barely breathe, and in that exact same moment have been flooded with images of something terrible happening to your child, know that you’re not crazy nor are you alone. About eighty percent of parents I’ve interviewed acknowledged having that experience.”
Brené Brown
But this feeling is not just for parents, we experience this with loved ones, or when we worry about our own health. We’re afraid of feeling too good or being too satisfied with life only to come crashing down the next moment.
Life is Too Short to Postpone Joy
Although there’s probably a million reasons why we shouldn’t feel joy in these crazy times. There’s also plenty of reason to allow yourself to.
Mainly, because life is short. It passes us by so quickly. Years from now you won’t be regretting how you should have worked longer hours or been more cautious. No – you’ll regret not taking the time to truly enjoy the moment.
This doesn’t mean putting off responsibilities, but rather reveling in the good that is already in your life. Too often, we focus only on what is wrong, what we’re lacking, or what we fear might happen in the future.
No matter what we do, we can never control the future or know what it will bring. All we can do is be grateful for the fleeting moments of joy that trickle through our lives.
Tomorrow is not a Guarantee
When I look back on the me from ten years ago, I wish I could have told her to relax, because everything was going to work out.
I would have told her that it was okay to enjoy the moment. And to enjoy life to the fullest instead of letting my problems take up most of my attention.
However, it wasn’t until my dad passed away that I fully realized life was too short to postpone joy.
My father was one of the unhappiest people I’ve ever known. He constantly complained about every little thing and was never content with what he had.
Growing up, we were relatively poor living paycheck to paycheck in the lower middle class bracket.
But even when our finances improved, it never seemed ‘enough’ for my dad. He was always focused on what he didn’t have. He believed he couldn’t be happy until his ‘someday’ when he finally became a very wealthy entrepreneur.
When ‘Someday’ Never Comes
Unfortunately, my dad’s ‘someday’ never came. He wasted so much time waiting until his life situation matched his perfect ideal, to truly start living. In the meantime, he escaped in gaming, television and fantasizing about the future.
While it’s not wrong to have big goals and dreams, we mustn’t wait until we achieve them to truly start enjoying our lives.
Because sometimes our ‘someday’ never comes. Or if it does, the harsh reality is that it’ll also bring with it new problems and challenges. Life will never be perfect. So we must squeeze the most joy from each moment as we possibly can.
Read Related: Why I (Finally) Became an Optimist
Joy Brings Us Closer Together
Allowing ourselves to feel joy also brings us closer to one another. Sharing moments of joy with our friends and family connects us through our shared vulnerability.
Therefore, when we close ourselves off from feeling, we also shut out the opportunity to bond with those we care about the most.
In Daring Greatly, one of Brené Brown’s research participants shared:
“I used to think the best way to go through life was to expect the worst. That way, if it happened, you were prepared, and if it didn’t happen you were pleasantly surprised. Then I was in a car accident and my wife was killed. Needless to say, expecting the worst didn’t prepare me at all. And worse, I still grieve for all those wonderful moments we shared that I didn’t fully enjoy. My commitment to her is to fully enjoy every moment now. I just wish she was here, now that I know how to do that.”
Daring Greatly
Don’t let life pass you by and regret not fully enjoying all the amazing moments you had with loved ones. The discomfort of vulnerability will always come with the highs, but we can learn to lean into it.
So how do we allow ourselves to experience more joy?
How to Embrace Vulnerability to Experience More Joy:
#1 Be Present
Practice being fully present in the moment. This will make it easier to lean into the discomfort of vulnerability.
Let go of holding onto memories of disappointment from your past. Focus your attention on this moment only. Stop worrying about what the future might bring.
All we have control over is how we react to the present. We will never know or have control over what tomorrow will bring.
No one can be present all the time, so don’t be too hard on yourself. Instead, remind yourself to keep coming back to focusing on just this moment, doing one thing at a time.
When the moment sparks joy be present with your emotions and even the uncomfortable feelings it may bring. Focus on your breathing. Accept whatever it is you are feeling. Bring your full attention to what you’re doing and who you’re with.
Practice Mindfulness
Practicing mindfulness throughout your day will help you become the observer of your thoughts and feelings instead of being at their mercy.
I recommend starting regular meditation practice. Make it something achievable and then slowly work up to a longer amount of time. For example, start with only 5-10 minutes per day.
Also, make it your intent to be present throughout the day. When you have extra time, such as waiting in line, commuting to work, or doing a boring task, make it your practice to focus on your breathing and being fully in the moment.
Don’t Fight with Negative Thoughts
When difficult thoughts or feelings come up, mindfulness helps us embrace them instead of pushing them away. Often it it’s an effective strategy to rebuttal these anxious thoughts with positive affirmations. However, sometimes this just doesn’t work.
We end up fighting with our anxious thoughts and it steals our peace of mind. Instead, practice being the ‘watcher’ of your anxious thoughts. Observe them in an objective, non-judgmental way and without reacting to them.
This will help you become less attached and no longer identify with them. It is your strong resistance and emotional reaction to negative thoughts that keeps them hanging around. Instead, make watching them as part of your mindfulness practice. Eventually you’ll learn to let them naturally come and go.
Of course this is not easy and takes practice. You can also try labeling them as you notice the thoughts come up such as ‘Here are those worrying thoughts again.’ Calm yourself down with self-compassion, reminding yourself that many people also experience these same types of thoughts. “It’s normal to have these fears, it’ll pass soon.”
You can also try labeling them in a funny way, or give your worrier a silly name. When they overload you with thoughts and images of disaster striking, be the observer by simply noticing the thoughts and feelings that come up. Tell yourself “it’s okay it’s just Mariah Scared-y having her fit again.”
For more tips on how to practice mindfulness click here.
#2 Let Go of ‘Magical Thinking’
‘Magical thinking’ is the belief that your thoughts, feelings, actions or use of symbols can influence the events of the world around us.
According to Healthline.com, “Magical thinking refers to the idea that you can influence the outcome of specific events by doing something that has no bearing on the circumstances.”
Magical thinking is a common reason why we postpone feeling joy. Sometimes we unconsciously fear that by feeling happy it’ll somehow tempt the universe or God to strike disaster.
It’s as if we believe that life should be hard and we should be suffering. And if we’re not then something bad will happen.
The reality is that we don’t control over what the future will bring. Life will always be full of both good and bad experiences. No matter what we think, feel or do now, there’s no way to stop disasters from happening.
All we can do is respond the best we can when difficult moments arrive. So let go of this magical type of thinking. Instead, embrace uncertainty and the fact that ultimately we’re not in complete control of everything in our lives.
#3 Practice Gratitude
Lastly, develop a gratitude practice to overcome the discomfort of vulnerability that joy brings.
This last piece of advice comes from, you guessed it – Brené Brown. On her gratitude practice around vulnerability and joy she writes,
“I still get overwhelmed with vulnerability in the midst of joyful experiences. But now I’ve learned to literally say aloud, ‘I’m feeling vulnerable and I’m so grateful for ________.’ “
Daring Greatly
In the midst of the uncomfortable feelings of vulnerability, gratitude shifts our focus onto good we already have. We practice focusing on what is wanted rather than ruminating over possible unwanted experiences.
Like Brown when you feel the fear of disaster striking, repeat out loud, ‘I’m feeling vulnerable and I’m so grateful for _____.’ For example, ‘I’m feeling vulnerable and I’m so grateful for my family’s health.’ Or ‘I’m so grateful for the opportunity to spend time with my loved ones’ etc.
She says this practice moves us from what we fear, to understanding what we actually feel, and then moving onto what we truly crave: gratitude-fueled joy.
“Don’t take what you have for granted – celebrate it. Don’t apologize for what you have. Be grateful for it and share your gratitude with others.” (Brown, Daring Greatly)
Closing Thoughts
Thanks for taking the time to read this lonnngg post! I hope this gave you insight into why joy requires vulnerability and how to open yourself to greater joy in your life.
I learned so much about the transformative power of vulnerability from the awesome book Daring Greatly by Brené Brown.
Vulnerability is required for success in many aspects of our lives, not just in experiencing joy. We must be vulnerable to accomplish goals, lead others, love fully, and create lasting change in our lives and within ourselves.
“Yes, softening into joy is uncomfortable. Yes, it’s scary. Yes, it’s vulnerable. But every time we allow ourselves to lean into joy and give in to those moments, we build resilience and we cultivate hope.”
Daring Greatly
So stop postponing joy and make the most of each day. Tomorrow is never a guarantee. Being vulnerable means softening your heart and letting down your walls. However, this is not a weakness, it takes tremendous strength and practice. Stop waiting for your perfect ‘someday’ and start today!
