Intimate relationships are like mirrors that reflect back to us all our insecurities, flaws, and hidden fears. So if we don’t value ourselves, we repel the kind of love we truly crave. By improving our mindsets, we can create healthy relationships with both our partners and ourselves.
A New Perspective
In my earlier years of dating, I thought I had to change myself to be loved and accepted. I tried to anticipate who my partner wanted me to be. However, I eventually realized this wasn’t working.
I decided to change my negative mindsets – I chose to believe I was good enough and didn’t need to change for anyone.
I also decided to set a new standard for my relationships – my partner would have to love and accept me just as I was now – flaws and all. And if he didn’t then I’d move on to find someone else who would.
Improving my mindset completely changed my dating experiences for the better and led me to attract my now husband.
Read on for 5 Self-Loving Mindsets that Create Healthy Relationships. Putting these into practice in my own life has freed me from crippling insecurities and allowed me to receive the kind of love and respect I’ve always dreamed of.
Read Related: The Strength to Go on: In Dating
5 Self-Loving Mindsets that Create Healthy Relationships
#1 Believe You Are Enough Now
This is the most important and essential mindset. It’s the foundation for healthy self-love and self-worth.
We’ve all heard the cliche, ‘you have to love yourself before others can love you’ – but it is absolutely true.
We must love ourselves first, before we’re able to allow in love from others.
Loving ourselves means believing in our worthiness – that we are good enough just as we are now – flaws and all.
This belief can only come from within – it’s not based on what you do, achieve, look like, or on the opinion of others. If we base our worth on something outside of ourselves (such as our relationships) then our self-worth will not be very strong. Once the outer thing goes away, so will your sense of worthiness.
What is self-worth?
It’s believing in one’s value as a human being.
Having high self-worth means not depending on others to show you your value.
So, choose to believe that you are already amazing and worthy just as you are now. Believe you are a total catch, and your partner is lucky to have you. This is not about being conceited – it’s just about appreciating yourself and acknowledging your worthiness.
Your partner’s role is to share in your already amazing-ness. Not to complete you or convince you that you’re worthy (that’s your job).
Mindset Affirmations:
- I am enough now and worthy of love
- I deserve to be loved just as I am now
- I am valuable because of Who I am, not what I do or achieve
- I am enough, and any man (or woman) is be lucky to be with me
#2 Respect Yourself
Self-respect goes hand in hand with self-love. There’s no such thing as love without respect. You won’t attract a partner who respects you, if you don’t first respect yourself.
Self-respect is more than just words – it’s a commitment to never tolerate disrespectful behavior.
So how do we maintain self-respect in a relationship? We must have clear boundaries and standards.
First, you need to be clear about:
- What you want and expect from your partner
- What behavior you will absolutely not tolerate
Set Standards
Having standards means knowing what you want and expecting to get it. Get clear about what you truly want and need.
It can be difficult to know what is a realistic standard for a relationship, especially if you didn’t have examples of healthy relationships while growing up.
Sometimes, to realize what you truly want in a relationship, you have to first experience what you don’t want. Failed relationships teach us what we don’t want in a partner and what behavior to no longer tolerate in the future.
Have Boundaries
Having boundaries is your self-respect in action. Think of boundaries as ‘deal breakers.’ They are what you will absolutely not tolerate and thus break off your ‘deal,’ i.e. relationship.
A healthy list would include cheating, lying, abuse of any kind, apathy, neglect, etc. These are red flags that you’re not being respected and should be taken very seriously.
Sometimes these issues can be worked out, but only you will know what’s best for you. What’s important is you don’t take the behavior lightly. Your partner should know if they continue with the behavior, they will lose you.
To attract a respectful relationship, you must have the courage to walk away from disrespect. Therefore, self-respect is demonstrated through your actions, not by merely telling others how they should treat you.
You don’t respect yourself when you don’t uphold your standards and boundaries. A worthy partner is one who admires you for calling them out on bad behavior.
We must do more than just believe we deserve to be loved and treated with respect. We must also expect it, and then act upon it by walking away from what we don’t deserve.
Exercise: Write Down your own ‘Standards’ & ‘Boundaries’
Examples of Standards:
- Makes me feel good about who I am, not worse
- Responsible, kind, hard-working etc.
- Empathetic to my needs and feelings
- Giving is always reciprocal
Examples of ‘Deal Breakers’ in Boundaries:
- Lying, cheating, physically or verbally abusive, overly possessive or jealous
- Doesn’t love or accept me for who I am now
- Addictions, criminal activity
- Not respectful to self, friends or family
Mindset Affirmations:
- I deserve love and respect
- I have high standards and clear boundaries
- I deserve to be respected in all my relationships
#3 Know Your Needs are Valid
This mindset allows you to ask for your needs to be met without feeling guilty. You know your needs are valid and deserve to be met. You also believe and trust that your partner wants to fulfill them too.
When we act like our needs are not valid, we give too much of ourselves without asking for anything in return. This leads to exhaustion and built-up resentment.
We all have needs in relationships -and the more you get to know yourself, the more you’ll discover what they are.
Having Needs is not Needy
However, there is a big difference between having needs and being needy. I learned this from renown relationship psychologist John Gray. He wrote the classic book on understanding the opposite sex, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.
John Gray says that being needy is having the negative expectation your needs won’t be met. Therefore, you don’t trust that your partner will meet your needs. This often results in controlling behavior or guilt-tripping.
Being needy is also expecting your partner to fulfill you in ways that only you can fulfill yourself(self-esteem, happiness, not being bored, etc.).
To validate your needs, learn to become comfortable with asking for what you want and allowing yourself to receive it.
No one can read you mind. You must ask for what you want and make it clear to your partner what you expect from them. If your partner cares about you then they’ll care about fulfilling your needs.
This might sound the opposite of being independent in a relationship, but it’s not. Owning your needs does not mean that you need a man, or woman, to ‘complete’ you or make you happy. It’s just admitting to the fact that we’re all human and each have unique emotional and physical needs in relationships.
However, let’s not forget that our partners are only human too. We must not put too high expectations on them. They’re not always going to meet our needs perfectly. But through direct, honest communication we can make each other feel loved and supported when we need it most.
Exercise: Write Down your Needs in a Relationship
Example: My Needs are:
- Have meaningful, intimate conversations
- Receive empathy and understanding towards my flaws and mistakes
- Receive emotional support and comfort when I’m feeling down
- Spending quality time together
Mindset Affirmations:
- My needs are always valid
- I deserve to have my needs met
- I’m releasing guilt about receiving what I want and need
- I allow myself to receive the love and support I deserve
- It is safe for me to ask for support
Read Related: How to Stop Letting Negative Emotions Control your Behavior
#4 Stay True to Yourself
This mindset is about staying true to what makes you you: your opinions, interests, values, friends, and hobbies. You remain the same person you were before you started dating your partner.
It’s so common to lose touch with our own identities in a long-term relationship, if we’re not careful.
When you lose touch with your own identity it decreases desire in the relationship, from both sides.
It’s our differences that drive attraction and appreciation for one another. When you stay true to your own identity you’re able to stay in touch with your true self – including your desires, thoughts and emotions. Only then can you also remain in touch with your feelings of love, appreciation, and desire for your partner.
Remind yourself that it’s okay to say ‘no’ when you want to. It’s okay to disagree with your partner’s opinions, and to prioritize alone time or time with friends and family.
Mindset Affirmations:
- I know Who I AM, and always stay true to Who I AM
- I don’t need to change myself for others
- It’s safe for me to say ‘no’ or disagree with my partner
#5 Choose to Trust
Trust is a sensitive subject for many people. It requires us to be vulnerable and risk hurt. It’s especially hard to when we’ve been betrayed before. But there needs to be trust from both partners to create a healthy relationship.
Take the Leap
I had major trust issues going into the relationship with my now husband. I had been cheated on more than once. The last time I trusted, my heart was broken.
However, my trust issues began to create a wedge between us. I couldn’t help checking his phone periodically and was suspicious of any girl friends he had.
It made my husband feel awful that I didn’t trust him. He had never given me any legitimate reason not to trust him. And all his actions only proved how loyal he was.
I realized our relationship wouldn’t move forward unless I decided to fully trust him. So I made a commitment to myself to take the leap and trust him. And that I would only lose trust if he gave me a good reason to.
This leap took courage, faith, and vulnerability. It required me to let go of past, negative experiences with men.
Since then, I‘ve realized it’s a only BIG waste of time – to worry about our partners cheating.
The harsh reality is that no one knows what the future will bring. The risk that my husband might cheat on me one day is something I have no control over. No matter what I do, or how great a wife I am, I will never be able to make his decisions or control his actions.
So why worry about things that are not within our control? And why even be with someone who you don’t trust?
Of course, it’s a different story if your partner has given you actual reasons not to trust them.
Trusting Ourselves
Being cheated on destroyed not only my trust in men – it also trust in myself.
I lost trust in my ability to choose a trustworthy man to date. To see the signs and red flags of infidelity. And to recover from the hole it left on my self-esteem.
However, I realized that choosing to trust in a relationship also means trusting yourself.
You must decide that no matter what happens, you’ll be there for yourself.
Trust that you will find a way to love yourself regardless of the future choices your partner makes. That you will still love yourself even if they abandon you one day, or are no longer in love with you. The only thing we can control is how we choose to feel about ourselves.
Mindset Affirmations:
- It’s safe for me to trust again
- I’m letting go of fear and doubt, and choosing to trust
- I’ll be here for myself, no matter what happens
- Even if I lose love, I’ll always be able to find it again
Conclusion
No matter where you are in your relationship status, you can start today to improve upon your self-esteem and self-love. Putting in the effort to improve your mindset will prove extremely valuable – both for your own happiness and relationship bliss. You’ll have a stronger sense of self and naturally exude the love you want to attract.
Harboring limiting beliefs about yourself is only a BIG waste of time. It’s emotionally painful, energy draining, and detrimental to our relationships. Change the way you feel about yourself one thought at a time. Eventually this will become a habit and create an internal shift within you.
Give yourself the love, respect, and approval you desire from others – only then you will experience true fulfillment in yourself and your relationships.
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