If you’re struggling with social anxiety, I feel your pain. Here are 15 tips for how to overcome your social anxiety, based on my own personal experience.
For many years, my intense social anxiety left me depressed, insecure, and isolated. It stopped me from connecting with others and advancing in my career.
But after years of working on myself, I can happily say that social anxiety is no longer an issue in my life. I now feel at ease in most social situations.
So if you’re haven’t found how to overcome your social anxiety yet – don’t give up. There is hope and it does get better. It’s just a matter of finding and mastering the right techniques that work for you.
**Disclaimer: This is based off my own personal experience and is not professional advice. Read full Disclaimer here.**
What is Social Anxiety Disorder?
Many people regularly experience some level of social anxiety that causes shyness. However, for others, social anxiety is more than just feeling shy, and can be extremely debilitating.
Social anxiety disorder is characterized by irrational fear and anxiety in social situations. You you feel overly anxious, embarrassed or ashamed in social settings.
You may freeze up or try to avoid interacting with others altogether. Social anxiety disorder may also be tied to an irrational fear of criticism, judgement, or rejection from others.
Can Social Anxiety Be Cured?
Yes, social anxiety can be cured. According to Stefan G. Hofmann (The Atlantic) – the director of the social anxiety program at Boston University – it’s highly treatable. There’s also been many studies showing improvement on social anxiety from treatments like Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy and psychotherapy.
Can Social Anxiety be Cured Naturally?
Yes, social anxiety can be cured naturally. But the recovery process is different for each person. For some people, taking an anti-anxiety medication might be the best choice for them – but it doesn’t have to be permanent. For example, you can work with your therapist to master other natural treatments so that you can gradually wean off the medication.
Can You Overcome Social Anxiety on Your Own?
Based on my own personal opinion, I’d say yes. But, again, it depends on the severity of your social anxiety. However, if you’re able to receive help from a professional, I’d highly suggest it. You’ll overcome it much quicker. Don’t believe you have to do it all on your own. Having access to a therapist is a privilege that not everyone has. So you should definitely take advantage of the help, instead of struggling all on your own.
How I Overcame My Social Anxiety
I first experienced social anxiety in the second grade. I had switched elementary schools four times by the 3rd grade. Each time, I felt extremely shy and then became withdrawn. I started to believe there was something wrong with me. This turned into being overly self-conscious and painfully anxious. However, it was manageable then because I found a supportive group of close friends.
But in middle school my social anxiety got worse. My safe, close group of friends disbanded. Then my family ended up moving two more times while I was in high school.
Isolation
I was completely miserable in high school. My grades dropped. I started to hang out with a bad crowd but was too shy to make other friends.
I was depressed and had zero self-esteem. I struggled with suicidal thoughts and near-constant anxiety. I became a hermit just hiding in my room all day. I feared that my life would be like this forever.
A New Path
When I was 16, my parents let me move away to live with my older sister, who was only 19, in Hawaii. I dropped out of high school, got my GED, and then enrolled into a trade college.
While I don’t recommend dropping out of school, being able to take a break from it was what I needed at the time. I started working part-time at a quiet retail store while also taking some college classes. I made a commitment to myself that I would learn how to overcome my social anxiety, no matter what it took.
Slow and Steady
I slowly got better by reading tons of psychology and self-help books. I experimented with different psychological techniques and found what worked for me. I also started practicing meditation and mindfulness. And I forced myself out of my shell into uncomfortable social situations regularly.
It was a slow, painful process and there were many times when I wanted to give up. Looking back, I wish I would have gotten professional help instead of trying to do it all on my own. I know the process would have been much quicker, if I had done so.
The Healing Process
Like I mentioned before, overcoming social anxiety looks different for each person. But the main signs of success should be 1) You no longer feel distress (uncontrollable anxiety/panic, poor mental health, physical discomfort) from your social anxiety and 2) social anxiety no longer keeps you from living a full life. This means you don’t let your anxiety stop you from doing all the things you want to, or having the relationships you desire.
I knew I was healing when my anxiety became more and more manageable. I was able to feel more relaxed in various social settings. And I started feeling happy in my life again even while accepting the fact that I had social anxiety.
Today, I’ll admit I’m still a shy and reserved person. But most days anxiety – in any of its forms- is not an issue for me at all. However, from time to time I’ll hit a wall. I’ll be in a new situation where I relapse back into high anxiety.
I used to feel bad about this. But now I realize that it’s completely normal. Every time I experience a challenging situation that’s anxiety-inducing, I look at it as a learning opportunity. The discomfort means I’m growing and continuing to challenge myself out of my comfort zone. Every time this happens, my mental health, confidence, and overall happiness rises to a new level because of it.
I hope these 15 tips help you to overcome your social anxiety. Remember that you’re not alone. So many others experience these same thoughts and feelings. And like myself, we have learned how to get better . With a little time and persistence – so will you.
How to Overcome Your Social Anxiety:
15 Tips Based on Personal Experience
1. Get Support
Get support from a medical professional that’s the right fit for you. It may be a psychologist, psychiatrist, or a counselor. You can find one here, or ask your primary physician for a referral. This may seem a bit obvious. But many people feel ashamed for seeking therapy.
I’ll admit I was influenced by the beliefs of my parents. They had the old-school mentality that therapy was something only rich, spoiled people or really crazy people partook in. There was no middle ground. I was taught it was more noble to face your problems on your own and just ‘deal with it.’
This is why I didn’t seek therapy through all the years I struggled with my social anxiety. I worked hard to be my own therapist, learning about psychology and trying out which CBT techniques worked for me.
However, I know if had received help from a therapist, my recovery process would have been so much faster and less painful.
Read Books
But if you don’t have access to healthcare/therapy, you can still read many helpful books such as these to learn how to overcome your social anxiety on your own. There’s many books out there written by psychologists with science-backed techniques.
Also, don’t forget to reach out to trusted friends and family to talk about what you’re going through and to receive support. Talking with a good friend might not give you solutions you need, but they can remind you that you’re not alone.
2. Use the DARE Technique
After years of reading hundreds of books about overcoming anxiety – Barry McDonagh’s Dare is the best I’ve read so far. He created a simple ‘DARE technique’ to respond to anxiety in a way that diffuses its charge.
McDonagh found that resisting and fighting with anxiety actually makes it worse. After years of observing my own anxiety, I also found this to be true.
Read more about how to practice this technique here.
3. Practice Mindfulness
Mindfulness uses breath awareness to slow down your thinking. You detach from negative thoughts by observing them in a non-judgmental way. With mindfulness, you stop pushing away anxious feelings and practice ‘being with’ them.
Practicing mindfulness has helped so much to cure my own social anxiety. It helps me to remain calm in social situations. When I’m mindful of my anxiety, I’m able to think more clearly and not let it influence my actions.
I recommend the Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook to start your own practice. Also check out one of my favorite books on mindfulness here.
4. Change Negative Thinking
This advice might seem obvious. But changing our thinking is much harder than it seems. That’s why most people don’t want to do it. We know we ought to, but tend we to put it off because it’s uncomfortable.
Changing negative thoughts means first becoming aware. That’s the painful part – confronting deep-help negative beliefs about yourself. Start by listening anytime negative thoughts come up.
Write them down, and then write out a rebuttal to them. Make it a point to change all your self-defeating, negative thoughts about yourself. Replace them with new ones as they come up. A belief is just a thought we think repeatedly. So repeat your new beliefs at least once a day as affirmations.
5. Make Time to Relax Regularly
Social anxiety can keep you stuck in ‘fight-or-flight’ mode. Even outside of social situations, you might feel like you just can’t relax. You’re worried about the next social event you have coming up. Or perhaps you just don’t know how to calm your mind down.
It’s very important to make time to completely relax. Watching television, social media, or sleeping is not enough. Your mind and body need to recoup from the exhausting toll anxiety takes on it. This can only be done through deep relaxation.
So find what deeply relaxes you. You’ll know you’re truly relaxed when your mind gets quiet and you release tension from your body. Tension you might not even know you’ve been holding onto. When you make time to relax regularly, you’ll be more resilient when handling anxiety in your normal day-to-day routine.
Here’s some helpful ways to deeply relax:
- Get a massage
- Take a hot bath
- Practice Progressive Muscle Relaxation (PMR)
- Yoga or deep stretching
- Meditation
- Go for a walk
- Spend quiet time in nature
6. Be Present
Combat social anxiety by practicing being present. When in social situations, try your best to place your attention as fully in the moment as you can. Focus on the person you’re talking to and what they’re saying. Focus on things you see, what’s happening in the room, etc.
Step out of your head and come into the moment. Trust yourself to find the right words spontaneously, instead of trying to plan ahead.
It’s nearly impossible to have a conversation with anyone unless you’re being present. If you’re caught up in your head – it doesn’t matter whether your thoughts or negative or positive – you’re still not present. You can’t respond effectively to the demands of a conversation when you’re also carrying on a separate conversation – in your own head.
7. Challenge Yourself
Another vital way to cure social anxiety is to consistently challenge yourself. This means stepping out of your comfort zone regularly. You don’t have to take a huge plunge. Taking baby steps is okay, as long as you’re being consistent.
I’ll admit, putting yourself in a situation that triggers your social anxiety is going to be painful and awkward. You might feel worse about yourself after. However, every time you do this, make a point to learn from it. Experiment with different techniques to find what works for you to reduce your social anxiety.
If you never challenge yourself by facing your anxiety, you’ll likely never overcome it. Forcing yourself to get out of your comfort zone regularly is the only way you’ll outgrow it.
One powerful way to challenge yourself is to join a Toastmasters club – where you get the chance to practice public speaking in a supportive environment.
8. Focus on the Positive
Don’t let your struggle with social anxiety darken your whole life perspective. Instead, keep a positive perspective by focusing on all the good in your life. It may be your health, a loving family, a nice place to live, etc.
Make time to do the things you enjoy. Have hobbies. Practice gratitude. Live your life to the fullest now, even with social anxiety. Focus on your many other positive attributes in yourself.
When you’re sad and depressed, you’re more prone to anxiety. You’re less resilient when coping with stress and emotional turmoil.
So find a way to still be happy in your life now. This may not cure your social anxiety, but it’ll make it much easier to overcome it. It’ll give you a broader, more positive perspective on yourself and your life. This will give you the confidence you need to keep going even when times are tough.
9. Stop Caring What Others Think
Make it a point to stop caring so much about what other people think. Of course, this is much easier said than done.
But making even small changes to your mindset can have enormous impacts. Start to question your thought process around what other people might think about you. Work to change your perspective – so that you place a higher value on what you think of you.
Realize that how others perceive you will always be outside of your control. No matter how perfect or confident you are – you can never guarantee if others will accept you or not. Instead, change the way you think – and stop caring so much about things that are outside of your control.
Remind yourself that the value others assign to you – is no true indication of your real value. You don’t have to base your worth on what others believe about who you are. It might not be easy at first, but you can choose to start validating yourself from within.
10. Learn to Laugh at Yourself
Learn to laugh at yourself. Don’t take yourself too seriously. Embrace the fact that everyone has their flaws.
If others poke fun at you for being quiet, you don’t have to take it so personally. Learn to laugh and admit that you have flaws too, just like everyone else.
Of course, this doesn’t mean you should excuse disrespectful or abusive behavior.
But when you learn to laugh at yourself, you relieve tension. You realize that you don’t have to be perfect all the time. And that others aren’t expecting you to be, either.
11. Feel the Fear, Do it Anyway
This famous quote was coined by Susan Jeffers Ph.D. who wrote a book with the same name. While I never read this book, I’ve found this quote to be helpful when dealing with my social anxiety.
The meaning I personally give this quote is this: feel all the fear of social anxiety, but still take the action that you want to anyway.
For example, even when you’re extremely nervous and your voice is shaking – just move into action. Start a conversation. Or start talking about yourself. Act the way you want to act even when you don’t feel ready. Force yourself to move into action.
Moving into action does two things: 1) it reduces your anxiety by letting the energy flow 2) it reinforces the fact that you still have control to act the way you want to – even when you’re really anxious. Over time, you’ll learn to stop letting your anxiety influence your actions.
12. Self Reflection
The best way to do this is to keep a journal. Observe your thoughts and feelings and how they relate to your social anxiety. Start to understand the thoughts and anxious feelings you experience regularly.
Try out different techniques and write down your results. Record small wins, even if your anxiety was reduced even just a little. Keep track of your progress. Write down what works and what doesn’t. You’ll gain a deeper understanding of yourself, and what is working to reduce your anxiety.
13. Be Persistent
I’ll admit it can be hard to overcome social anxiety. Especially if it’s severe, it may take some time before you’re where you want to be.
But this doesn’t mean it’s impossible. Your thoughts and feelings create your anxiety. It might seem automatic, but it’s not. Since you’ve created it, you can find a way to un-create it – and create calm and confidence instead.
Make the decision that you will find how to overcome your social anxiety. Then don’t give up until you’ve achieve it. This takes persistence and determination. But in the end, it will be worth it.
14. Believe in Yourself
Okay, this might sound like a cliche. But I promise, it’s more than that. Learning to believe in yourself is an important part of how to overcome your social anxiety.
Replace self-doubt with faith. Stop listening to your inner critic and develop a new, loving inner voice that believes in you.
Believing in yourself means believing that you can change. That you can achieve what you set your mind to. It also means seeing yourself from the most positive perspective. Believe in your inherent worthiness and your endless potential.
15. Love and Accept Yourself Just as You Are
This is not always an easy thing to do. Especially when we judge ourselves for having social anxiety. Or, we criticize ourselves for our low self-esteem, but that only feeds the negative cycle, leading to even more low self-esteem.
We must break this cycle and decide to love and accept who we are now – flaws and all. That means not waiting until you’ve overcome your social anxiety to approve of yourself.
The more you can feel good about who you are now – the easier it’ll be to overcome your social anxiety.
Remember that every single person has flaws. But we all deserve love. And this starts with first loving ourselves.
Acceptance is Not Giving Up
Acceptance is a crucial element of self-love. It doesn’t mean you stop trying to improve yourself. You can totally accept who you are now – quiet, anxious and all – and yet still work to overcome your anxiety.
Starting from a place of self acceptance will pave a smoother path for your self-improvement journey. So replace self-judgment with self-compassion.
No matter how outwardly confident you become. Nothing will replace the fulfillment that comes from loving and accepting yourself now. No one or thing can give you that validation – only yourself. So don’t wait until you’ve completely overcome your social anxiety to love yourself now, just as you are.
Closing Thoughts
Healing is a journey and it takes time. I’ll admit that learning to love myself was one of the toughest hurdles for me. I used to think that having social anxiety meant I was weak.
I hated myself for it and felt inferior to others. But then I realized I was never weak, just different. And although it wasn’t my fault in how I developed my social anxiety, it was still my full responsibility to get better.
I still have relapses from time to time. But I’m grateful for what I’ve learned on my self-improvement path. I discovered my own inner strength. And I’ve grown to love and believe in myself. It’s a love that grows stronger every day – a love that no one can ever take away from me. While the journey hasn’t always been easy, it’s definitely been worthwhile.
Thanks for reading my post! I’d love to hear from you in the comments about your own experiences with anxiety and what has helped you 🙂
