Why Love Makes You Feel Vulnerable & More Insecure

“Marriage looks good on you,” my friend commented. It had been a year since she last saw me, since I got married and moved away. “You look more confident and comfortable in your own skin.”

I thanked her, but what I really wanted to say was that my marriage was definitely not the reason why I seemed more confident and self-assured.

If anything, my marriage had only made me more insecure. Because love makes you feel vulnerable, which brings out your biggest insecurities and worst fears.

Love is a Mirror

Love is like a mirror – it projects back to us everything within ourselves – all our negative beliefs and self-defeating patterns.

There’s no where to hide from having to face all of the messed up shit within you. Shit like unresolved trauma from your childhood that shows up in annoying co-dependent behaviors. Shit like not knowing how to deal with conflict without blowing up or running out the door.

But this is not all a bad thing – intimate love shows you what you need to work on – so that you can learn to love your partner and yourself more deeply.

Facing Your Fears

Maybe this sounds familiar: You’ve fallen madly in love with the person of your dreams. Everything’s going well and you’re happier than you’ve ever been. But then it sets in – the overwhelming fear of losing that person.

Love is not all sunshine and butterflies. Especially if you’re someone like me who’s extra prone to anxiety and insecurity. Love brings up paranoia and the fear that maybe you’re not good enough. That maybe one day they’ll come to their senses, discover who you really are – and leave you for someone else.

For me, being in love has been both the happiest and the scariest experience of my life.

Read Related: 5 Self-Loving Mindsets for Healthier Relationships

Love is Not the Absence of Fear

The only way to get over fear and insecurity is to go through it. You don’t push it away or try to suppress it. But if you’re not careful, the fear takes over and will cause you to act out in not-so-attractive behavior: jealousy, trying to control your partner, manipulation, guilt trips, being overly needy, or even pushing them away.

Some say that love is the absence of fear. But love is not an absence of fear, it’s the openness to fear. It’s a strange mix of both: our greatest joy (love) and our deepest pain (fear).

But when we allow ourselves to melt into love, we find the strength to embrace even our darkest fears.

However, fear or insecurity, never completely goes away. There will always be uncertainty. No matter how hard you try, you can never control whether your partner will stick around forever. Therefore, love makes you constantly feel vulnerable – and that’s scary.

Read Related: When You’ve Given Up on Dating- Remember This

Discovering True Confidence

We can’t expect our partners to give us an endless feeling of confidence and self-worth. It doesn’t work like that. You’re insecurities don’t just automatically go away, even with the knowing that your spouse loves you unconditionally.

I’m not saying that your partner shouldn’t make you feel good about yourself. We all need a shoulder to cry on from time to time. Or someone to remind us how amazing we are when we forget.

But ultimately, we shouldn’t expect our partners to be the ones to lift our self-esteem. This is an unhealthy way to approach a relationship.

Our partners may point out the insecurities that we need to work on. But we must remember: we are the only ones who can heal and release them.

If we don’t work on healing our fears and insecurities they have the potential to completely ruin our most intimate relationships.

Love Yo’ Self First

I know it’s been said many times before –but if we can’t love ourselves, then we can’t truly be good at loving our partners, either. It’s not our partner’s job to teach us how to love and value ourselves.

It’s like learning to ride a bike. Someone can teach you what you need to do – put both feet on the pedals, look up, maintain balance. But you’re the only one who can pedal. You got to put in the effort and keep pedaling. Or else you won’t go anywhere.

Insecurities in love is like that. It’s your job alone to put in the work and heal them.

First, you have to become aware of all the self-defeating mindsets and behaviors that are causing havoc in your relationship. And then you have to work every day to improve upon them.

Cause if you don’t – or if you put that responsibility solely on your partner – then it’ll create a wedge between you.

When we choose to love ourselves, we have more love to give others. Then we can focus on the needs of another, because we already feel full within.

Acceptance is Overrated

You might think you want someone who accepts you completely. Who thinks every damned thing you do is the cat’s pajamas.

But think about it.. would you really want that? That would be boring as hell. Sure, you might like that person – but you wouldn’t truly respect them. You wouldn’t view them as your equal. They’d be like a mere ‘yes man’ – lying to you and making it seem that you can do no wrong.

What you need in a partner more than just acceptance is someone who challenges you. Someone who is not afraid to be completely honest with you. Who inspires you to step out of your comfort zone and live up to the highest version of yourself.

This is not about being verbally abusive. But rather, about holding you accountable to become your best self – because they believe in you.

Love makes you feel vulnerable because it forces you outside of your comfort zone – but that’s a good thing.

**Check out one of my favorite talks on love and vulnerability: Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person (Alain De Botton)

Find Comfort in Discomfort

Being in love requires us to constantly change and adapt. We’re constantly learning how to better love our partners. It’s not about changing who we are- but changing our behaviors that are based in selfishness, insecurity and fear.

And change is uncomfortable. It’s always going to trigger resistance within ourselves.

It’s frustrating and annoying when someone pushes your buttons. When your partner inspires you to do what’s right – rather than what feels good in the moment.

Being in an intimate relationship shows us what we need to change within ourselves – to become better people. Sometimes we learn through painful emotions that come up. Other times, it’s by our partners calling us out on our bullshit.

Grow in Love

Many people assume that when you’re in love – it’ll always feel natural, easy. But love makes you feel vulnerable and more insecure. Because it forces you to face your shortcomings, past trauma, and negative beliefs about yourself.

Learning to love – both our partners and ourselves – is a skill that we must work on every day. Even when it’s challenging and tough.

But each time we face our fears and choose to love whole-heartedly despite them, we unlock a new level of self-confidence and a greater ability to connect with others. And this, in the end, makes all the effort totally worth it.

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