I’ve been labeled a ‘nice’ girl my whole life. I’ve always hated the term. It still makes me cringe because deep down I know it’s not who I really am.
Only recently, I realized that I’ve been hiding behind the ‘nice girl’ label to protect myself from being rejected and criticized by others.
I came to this painful realization while reading Dr. Harriet B. Braiker’s bestselling book, The Disease to Please. I could relate to everything she described.
She writes, “Specifically, people pleasers believe that by being nice, they will avoid painful experiences, including rejection, isolation, abandonment, disapproval, and anger. After all, if you don’t make waves or rock the boat, the other passengers shouldn’t want to throw you overboard.”
Of course, there’s nothing wrong with being nice. I mean, I am a very nice, empathetic, and caring person. But I want to get to the place where being nice is a choice, rather than an unconscious way to gain others’ approval.
My Story
No one likes to be rejected or criticized. But for me, ever since I was a young child, I absolutely hated it. My mind made me believe that rejection and disapproval was somehow the worst, most painful thing ever and was to be avoided at all costs.
In second grade, I developed severe social anxiety and it became very difficult for me to make friends. Whenever I was around new people, intense anxiety would bubble up inside of me uncontrollably. I would get so nervous that I just froze up and couldn’t act like myself. I felt isolated and didn’t know what to do or what was ‘wrong’ with me.
It wasn’t until my mid-twenties that I became able to effectively manage my anxiety and gain more confidence in myself. I always knew that my intense fear of rejection played a big role in my social anxiety. However, my strategy for self-improvement has always been to focus solely on building up my self-esteem and mindfulness practice.
While this approach did make a positive impact, I never addressed my fears of rejection directly or explored them deeper. I was never able to let go of caring so much about what others thought about me. I mean, how do you even do that, anyway?
The Painful Truth
I used to think I was a pretty self-aware person. I mean, I meditated every day and read self-help books constantly. I journaled. I even started seeing a psychologist regularly.
But after going through several stressful events back-to-back, I spiraled into my first ever emotional breakdown. I realized in a painful way that I was letting my fear of rejection take a big toll on my mental health and negatively influence my behavior.
Admitting to our flaws and shortcomings is painful. It’s tough and it really sucks. But trying to hide from our darkness is much worse.
“The irony is that we attempt to disown our difficult stories to appear more whole or more acceptable, but our wholeness – even our wholeheartedness – actually depends on the integration of all of our experiences, including the falls.”
-Brene Brown
Self-awareness is a great tool for personal transformation. I mean how can you change what you’re not even aware of? It may seem like common sense, but it’s much more difficult than that.
Self-awareness is about observing yourself in a non-judgmental way. It is about becoming aware of your thoughts, emotions, habits, intentions, and behaviors. Why? Because through self-awareness you can identify the thoughts and behaviors that are the root causes of your unhappiness. Only then can you work to release them.
Self-awareness starts with first being aware of our emotions. We may know we feel awful, but we often don’t know why. Reflect on the deeper causes of your emotions. Or if you think you know the cause, challenge yourself to explore other possibilities. If you’re only blaming the cause on your outer circumstances, try diving a little deeper.
If you follow your pain, it will eventually lead you to the answers you’re looking for.
I believe that our natural state is one of happiness and worthiness. This was how we were born. But then we learned a bunch of bad habits and started doubting ourselves.
I’ve found that personal happiness is not found by doing or gaining more, but rather learning to let go of more and more of the ‘junk’ inside our heads. Let go of fear-based beliefs, limiting perspectives, and unhealthy, unconscious behaviors. Then the state we’re left with is a natural feeling of well-being, presence, self-worth, and liberation.
“Suffering originates from various causes and conditions. But the root cause of our pain and suffering lies in our own ignorant and undisciplined state of mind. The happiness we seek can be attained only through the purification of our minds.” ~ The Dalai Lama
Breaking Down
It happened last year at my sister’s house on New Year’s day. My first ever panic attack.
I was spending the night but I couldn’t sleep. My mind raced. I was obsessed with trying to find a solution to an intense dispute with my boss. My anxiety got so high I went into a full-blown panic attack while also running on several days without sleep. I didn’t know whether I was sleeping or dreaming, which further added to my panic.
It was so embarrassing, and my sister and brother-in-law straight up thought I had lost my mind. They took turns comforting me throughout the night so I could fall asleep. When I finally I fell asleep, I kept waking up in a state of anxiety and panic. At the height of my anxiety, I literally thought if I fell asleep I might die.
It was awful. My husband, who was already in Japan at the time, could only listen over the phone to my hysteria.
It happened about 10 months ago now, but it’s still painful for me to think and write about.
Luckily, I recovered quickly and was able to return to my normal self and sleep patterns without needing any medications. I had been going to a therapist for the last six months and having her support helped a lot, in addition to the support from my amazing husband, friends, and family.
It was painful to realize that I was not aware of my unhealthy habits at work that had been building up and leading to my breakdown. I realized a lot of painful truths about myself such as the fact I was being obsessive about my job and was painfully afraid of the disapproval from my boss and work peers.
Because of my people pleasing habits and social anxiety, I was holding back from expressing my true opinions and speaking up about practices I thought were unethical.
I realized my habit of people pleasing caused, and is still causing me, so much stress, unhappiness, and limits my ability to communicate openly.
My fear of rejection was so intense, yet I was completely unaware that it was driving my fearful, unhealthy behaviors.
I naively thought that if I was just nice to everyone and did good work then I would gain everyone’s approval and could avoid conflict and rejection.
Are You a People Pleaser?
Do you think you may be a people pleaser? People pleasers are deeply afraid of disapproval from others. They try to gain approval through being agreeable and avoiding conflict and criticism at all costs.
Of course, being agreeable is sometimes necessary to keep the peace in certain situations. However, it becomes an unhealthy habit when you suppress your authentic self – your feelings, opinions, needs – to gain approval from others.
If you’re like me, these behaviors are automatic, unconscious patterns. It’s not like I wake up and consciously think to myself, ‘How can I behave today so I can get so-and-so’s approval?’
Instead, it’s an automatic gut reaction, accompanied with unexplored feelings of fear, shame, and anxiety.
People pleasing is expressed in different ways for each person. Some people take on too much trying to help others and always putting their needs last. Some overshare and are manipulatively charming. Others just can’t say ‘no.’ My pattern is to shut down and be quiet whenever I disagree with others, sense conflict, or feel afraid of being rejected.
Signs You’re a People Pleaser
- Put others’ needs before your own in an unhealthy way
- Have difficulty saying ‘no’
- Have difficulty disagreeing with others and often agree just to avoid conflicts
- Deeply afraid of conflict, criticism, rejection, and disapproval
- Feel responsible for others’ feelings
- Have difficulty with expressing negative feelings, especially towards others
- Get very upset when others don’t like you
- Feel like you need to ‘prove’ your worthiness
- Feel compelled to always put others’ needs, wants, and opinions first
- Experience intense shame from failure, ridicule, and rejection
- Often feel ‘less than’ and inferior to others
Becoming a Recovering People Pleaser
The good news is that once you realize you’re a people pleaser, you’re no longer at the complete mercy of these unconscious behaviors. This doesn’t mean you will change right away, but it’s an important first step in the road to recovery. You move from being a people pleaser to a recovering people pleaser.
It may be tough to change, but making the decision to stop people pleasing is a pretty big deal.
It means no longer censoring yourself to avoid uncomfortable feelings and situations. It means stepping up to face your painful feelings and showing up as your authentic self.
It’s so clear to me now that I can only get so far in achieving my goals if I don’t stop my people pleasing habits. Why? Because I can’t achieve my highest goals while not showing up as my authentic self.
People pleasing, rather than a label (although used here for purposes of convenience) is merely an ingrained habit, often reinforced from childhood. And habits can be unlearned and changed.
We have the power to choose to release the habits and behaviors that no longer serve us. With each shift in direction, it changes the paths that define our lives.
Conclusion
People pleasing is an unhealthy habit that holds you back from being your authentic self. It means allowing the opinions of others to dictate how you feel about yourself. Whenever we make decisions solely to appease others, we deny our truth and undervalue ourselves.
It can be extremely difficult to admit to having flaws or bad habits we wish weren’t there. It’s easier to deny and hide from them.
Becoming more self-aware means coming to terms with our own darkness. It means being courageous enough to love ourselves while still admitting our flaws and shortcomings. It means working to improve ourselves while remembering we’re so much more than a label or bad habit.
Although I know it will be difficult at times, I am determined to recover completely from my people pleasing habits. I look forward to the challenge of stepping into greater self love and authenticity.
I invite you to join me on this journey of recovery as I continue to share my experiences and insights along the way. <3
