We live in a world of opposites where duality is everywhere. Nature seems to be bipolar - night and day, cold and hot, hard and soft.
But though we wish life could merely be black or white, it’s sadly, not that simple.
Nature teaches us this too. We think of black and white as opposites, but according to physics, white light is a mixture of all the colors, while black is just the absence of visible light.
So when we see the color white we’re actually seeing a reflection of all the colors simultaneously.
That’s not only trippy, but perhaps it’s a subtle hint from nature: the purest of light does not exist separately; it’s not more pure than the others, but indistinguishable without them.
In a similar way, being a ‘whole’ person doesn’t require our good to conquer our bad, but to be the loving space for every fragmented part of ourselves to coexist.
Black and White Thinking
Whenever I notice some area about myself or life I want to change, I tend to become hyper fixated on it. The flaw in myself taints my whole self-image and I feel inferior and broken. Similarly, when I focus on parts of my life that aren’t as spectacular as I’d like them to be, my whole life feels like a failure. I spiral down a rabbit hole of shame and comparison.
This bad habit can be called all-or-nothing, or black and white thinking. It’s an outdated way of viewing the world that clouds our whole perspective, leaving us stuck in shame and hopelessness.
Life is constantly pulling us in different directions - not just outer forces but forces within ourselves.
One part wants to lose 15 pounds, while another part wants to eat ice cream for breakfast.
One moment life feels amazing, then the next we’re fixated on how we wish we had more money - and then our whole life feels like a sad melodrama.
Polarization is not just something that happens in our physical environment , it’s alive and real within ourselves.
Polarization in politics is when two opposing sides turn one another into ‘the enemy’, losing a sense of common humanity. They lose the ability to be open to others’ perspectives and tolerate nonconformity.
Middle ground becomes split into extreme sides pitted against one another. One perspective can only be either right or wrong, good or bad - there’s no room for any gray areas.
We view gray areas as weakness. We see tolerance as complacency, patience as hesitation, and open minded-ness as wavering. We admire definite-ness, even if it’s rooted in ignorance and stupidity.
I believe this all-or-nothing type of thinking not only causes separation within our society, but within ourselves.
Polarization within ourselves means labeling ourselves right or wrong, good or bad, strong or weak. But in reality, we’re just like every other human being who ever existed - a mix of strengths and weaknesses, amazing-ness and shortcomings.
This kind of distorted thinking has caused me a lot of pain since I was a young kid. I first learned it from my parents. They were always very critical and judgmental of myself and others.
When I was shy, I was labeled weak. When I was lost in my head, I was aloof. Fat people were lazy, rich people were crooks. These labels are painful and hard to shake off.
The complexity of the self gets slapped into a single judgment and it’s as if all of who we are is defined by it.
After learning it from my parents, i internalized it toward myself.
I used to berate myself with negative labels whenever I didn’t act the way I wanted to. When one person rejected me, I couldn’t see past it and deemed myself unloveable. When one person thought I was boring, my whole sense of self was defined by their opinion.
My whole perception got caught up in the distorted thinking, gutting my self esteem along with it.
My older sister helped me realize the futility of this mindset when I decided to continue working after giving birth.
She has always had narcissistic tendencies and was emotionally manipulative (notice I did not label her a ‘narcissist’ ;).
After I told my family that I’d continue to work after having my first child, she berated me about my decision.
Since she was a stay-at-home mom she tried to make me feel inferior and guilty for choosing to continue working full-time, although my husband’s salary afforded me not to. She was asserting that her choice to stay home with her kids was much better than mine.
I notice these similar attitudes among my peers too. Other working moms tend to judge stay-at-home moms as simpletons, while stay-at-home moms often judge working moms as absent, materialistic or selfish.
I believe that behind this behavior is a belief that only ‘either or’ exists. That there is only one ‘right’ or ‘best’ way to live life. We can’t fathom that two opposing lifestyles can both be right simultaneously.
Being a stay-at-home mom can be completely right for one person, and wrong for another.
Why must we endlessly compare ourselves with others and feel compelled to make our perspective the right one?
Everyone at some point engages in judging others. It may seem innocent, but done on a larger, collective scale, these perspectives can lead to polarized, fear-based social divisions.
The paradox is the more we’re able to let go of judging others, the easier it is to let go of judging ourselves so harshly, and vice-versa.
All-or-nothing, polarized thinking not only wreaks havoc in our relationships, but also within ourselves.
We can’t love ourselves when we’re waiting for perfection. We can’t fully enjoy our lives now if we believe we shouldn’t have any challenges. We expect ourselves and our lives to be so perfect, and then keep waiting in frustrated disappointment.
Loving the Broken Pieces
I think being fully human means embracing all the fractured parts of ourselves, while still having hope. It means being able to love ourselves deep enough to acknowledge our flaws, while still knowing our worthiness.
Acknowledging your broken-ness doesn’t mean you or your life is a failure.
Loving ourselves means letting go of harshly judging ourselves for having flaws and shortcomings. It means being able to acknowledge and embrace our good and our bad simultaneously.
While becoming a well rounded person is a good goal, we must accept that we’ll always have some rugged edges.
There’s still many parts of myself that are really hard for me to love. They make me feel weak and like a failure.
But I’m learning to practice radical acceptance while still working to improve myself. I don’t have to deem myself ‘bad’ in order to have a strong desire to keep improving, learning, and growing. Fragmented parts of our selves will always fight for the light and darkness within us.
But maybe wholeness is being able to be the space for all our polar selves.
Being able to embrace paradox is a strength. I can be both completely content in my life and hungry for more simultaneously.
Embracing one doesn’t have to mean pushing out the other. Becoming a more loving, courageous person doesn’t require stuffing down all your fear and imperfections.
When we see flaws in others that are hard to love, instead of quickly writing them off, we can remind ourselves that they’re only human too.
Even our greatest heroes are fallible. Shadows can’t exist without light.
You can be broken and still love yourself. Your life can be a mess and you can still find a way to live in joy everyday.
We can still work diligently to fix the broken pieces in our selves and lives but with the knowing that l, simultaneously, we will never be complete, perfect or whole.
There will always be another piece to fix or heal. There will always be parts of our lives we want to improve. This doesn’t make changing pointless, but it means growth is endless because who we really are is eternal and endless too.
But for this moment, we can remember the simple truth that who we are and where we are is enough.
