How to End the Cycle of Low Self Esteem

It starts when we’re kids. Our parents lived lives of quiet desperation. They tried so hard to find their place in society, but never truly made it.

Then we inherited these same feelings of shame. Believing that we don’t belong – that somehow we’re not enough. We constantly compare ourselves to others thinking there’s something wrong with us. That maybe if we just tried harder, one day we’d finally be enough.

The Spiral of Shame

Shame is a silent killer. It’s a black hole that sucks away joy and motivation.

You feel small, worthless. Believing that by berating yourself you’ll become motivated to be better. But in reality, it has the opposite effect.

Shame keeps us trapped in a cycle of ‘not enough’ thinking. We’re only able to see flaws and limitations within ourselves and our lives.

But instead of motivating us to be better. It only holds us back.

Being stuck in shame:

1. Perpetuates low self-esteem.
2. Robs us of the motivation to act.
3. Stops us from taking risks and allowing ourselves to fail.

Shame and Self-Esteem: A Viscous Cycle

Shame is a feeling of worthlessness. It’s the voice in your head that criticizes and negatively compares yourself to others. While similar to guilt, there is a big difference. Guilt is when you feel bad about past events. Shame is when you feel bad about who you are as person.

Experiencing shame perpetuates low self-esteem. Shame is caused by negative beliefs about ourselves. The feeling is painful and often overwhelming. When we’re stuck in shame we don’t feel hopeful or motivated. We don’t allow ourselves to act the way we want to, take risks, or pursue goals.

Being stuck in shame leads to less confidence, more negative beliefs, and continued low self-esteem. Nakita Jangra, a therapist on Welldoing.org, explains how she helps her clients:

“With low self-esteem we usually always end up working through shame, and working through all the distortions that shame tells us about ourselves. It is through shame and being able to separate that from our true identity that we can embrace our Self-worth.”

The Cycle of ‘Not Enough’

If you experience low self-esteem it’s likely you inherited it from your parents. They might have told you to believe in yourself, but their actions taught you otherwise.

Or perhaps you internalized the way they talked to you. You unconsciously criticize yourself and minimize your efforts. But however you learned it – the cycle must end now.

In the cycle of ‘not enough’ thinking, you constantly label yourself and your life as not enough. You believe you’re more flawed or screwed up than others. You feel like there’s something wrong with you – that you’re not worthy just as you are.

This negative mindset keeps creates shame. Shame makes these false beliefs feel real. It taints our whole life perspective. Even when we do achieve goals – we only can see what we did wrong. We don’t give ourselves credit or the permission to feel worthy.

End the Cycle

Having high self-esteem, or self-worth, is crucial for living a happy, fulfilling life. With healthy self-worth we can stop chasing after the future to feel complete. We realize that we’re already enough now – and always have been.

This doesn’t mean we stop striving to improve our lives or don’t take actions towards our goals. But instead, we act from a place of wholeness rather than lack.

With high self-worth, we’re also less susceptible to mental health ailments like depression, anxiety, and stress. Many studies prove a clear link between low self-esteem and depression and anxiety. For example, one study (Nguyen, et al.,2019) showed a correlation between low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, educational stress, and suicidal ideation among secondary-school students.

Decide Enough is Enough

Many people are afraid to feel content with themselves or their lives now because they think it’ll lead to complacency. However, this is not true.

Allowing yourself to feel good about yourself and your life doesn’t mean you’ll become lazy. It doesn’t mean you pretend there aren’t things you want to improve on. Instead, you end the cycle of a negative, lack-filled mentality.

Make the choice – today – to embrace the fact that you are already enough now.

How to End the Cycle:

1. Be Aware

You don’t have to be a victim to shame any longer. The first step is awareness. You can’t change what you’re not first aware of.

Notice how often you experience shame and how it holds you back. Observe the negative beliefs that lead to feelings of shame. Perhaps write them down in your journal.

Thoughts like:

• I’m not enough
• I shouldn’t be this way
• I’m too ______, or not ______ enough

2. Set a New Intention

There’s much power in making the decision to change. And sticking with it. A new intention will empower you to make better choices. It changes your motivations behind your actions.

Set a new intention by writing it down as an affirmation. Write it down in your journal or phone – somewhere you’ll see it often. Then repeat it to yourself every day. Whenever the old habits come up – remind yourself of your new intention.

If you’re having trouble believing it – add ‘choosing to’ to remind you of the new, improved mindset you intend to adopt.

For example:

• I’m choosing to release shame
• I’m choosing to believe I am enough now
• I’m choosing to honor and embrace my worth
• I’m choosing to love and accept myself just as I am now

3. Replace Negative Thoughts

Replace negative thoughts as you notice them come up. Remind yourself of your new intention. Replace it with a positive rebuttal or affirmation.

We each have thousands of thoughts everyday, so don’t expect to change every one. But whenever you hear your negative self-talk, change it immediately.

Often we notice our negative emotions sooner than our thoughts. When feeling down or shame, become aware of what thoughts caused it. However, remember that changing your thinking won’t change the way you feel instantaneously. It takes time, and it’s a process. That’s why…

4. Don’t Fight Your Feelings

When you’re feeling down or fall into a ‘shame spiral’ – remember that we all feel this way sometimes. Trying to push away unwanted feelings only makes them worse. And many behaviors to avoid negative emotions are often unhealthy.

Instead, learn to ‘be with’ painful emotions in a mindful way. This means you allow them to be there and feel them fully. But without judging them. And not judging yourself for having them.

It helps to label the emotion such as ‘here’s sadness again.’ Or ‘I’m experiencing shame.’ But then watch it – and accept however you’re feeling in the moment.

By releasing resistance and judgement, you can allow the emotion to flow. It takes some time and practice, but you can learn to let painful emotions come and go in a natural way.

Remember Your Worth

Ending the cycle of ‘not-enough’ doesn’t happen over night. But every time you make the choice to remember your inherent worth – you break the chain little by little.

You’ve probably heard tons of cheesy quotes about how we’re all unique and valuable. Maybe you want to believe it, but you doubt it’s just some self-help BS.

But the harsh reality is that until you make the choice to believe in your worthiness – no one or thing can prove it for you. If you’re waiting around until a someday when you’ve achieved something big or lost 20 pounds – the effects will only be temporary.

If you don’t give up the mindset that you’re not enough – then no matter what anyone else tells you or how much you accomplish – it’s not going to make you feel any different.

So, are you finally fed up with feeling incomplete and unworthy? With telling yourself – you’re not enough? Then make the choice to stop waiting – and love yourself now – just as you are. End the cycle. Begin a new paradigm and you’ll be amazed how it will transform your life as well.

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