It just doesn’t feel real when someone who was there for you your entire life is now gone. Especially if you’ve never loss someone before, dealing with grief can be overwhelming and lonely.
I lost my father when I was 26 years old. Dealing with grief was much tougher than I’d expected. Grief is a painful emotion often mixed with other heavy emotions such as anger, guilt, and regret.
It can be a real struggle to process all these emotions while having to meet the demands of daily life. Here are some Lessons on Dealing with Grief after Losing a Parent.
Lessons on Dealing with Grief after Losing a Parent
I lost my father in May of 2017, in the early morning of my 26th birthday. His skin cancer had spread from his face into his brain. His condition turned terminal so quickly. Over the next nine months, all I could do was watch helplessly as his body slowly whittled away.
Being the primary caregiver for my dying father was one of the most difficult experiences I’ve ever had to go through. It took a large toll on me mentally, emotionally and financially.
When he passed, I’ll admit I was a bit relieved. I couldn’t go on much longer having to stop working so I could watch him. And, at least, he no longer had to suffer.
However, years later I was still haunted by grief and the painful memories of watching him slowly lose his life.
Everyone grieves in their own way. But here are some lessons I’ve learned about healing grief and other painful emotions that come with losing a parent.
“Those we love never truly leave us. There are things that death cannot touch.”
Jack Thorne
Regret is Unavoidable
No matter what you did or didn’t do, you’re always going to have regrets. I had nine months to make sure I said everything I wanted to to my dad before he passed. I thought doing so would make me feel ready to let go. But even after he passed, I still felt like there were so many things left unsaid, or things I could have done to make his last days more comfortable.
However, I realize now that it’s completely natural to feel this way. Nothing can prepare you for losing someone close. Know you did your best at the time, and that that is enough.
Read Also: A Simple Way to Practice Mindfulness
It’s Important to Forgive Yourself
Having regrets or guilt after losing a parent is another common part of grieving. Maybe there are things you wish you could have said or have done better. Or maybe you feel guilty about having to set personal boundaries with your loved one.
Sometimes, our loved ones or other family members even lay guilt trips on us during these vulnerable moments. It can be easy to give in and take on the emotional burden. But we must remember that ultimately guilt and regret are only a big waste of time. It doesn’t do anything to change the past.
We can choose to learn from past mistakes without drowning ourselves in guilt. We deserve better. Forgive yourself for all the words left unsaid or actions undone. Forgiving yourself is an act of self-love. We often focus on the importance of forgiving others, but it’s just as important to forgive ourselves so we can move on.
Read Also: How to Mindfully Embrace Fear & Anxiety
Cry it Out
It may be scary to think about feeling difficult emotions that come with losing someone close. But the more you push away the painful feelings, the longer it’ll take to heal them. Instead, set aside time in a comfortable setting to allow yourself to fully feel and release these painful emotions.
Venting to a trusted friend or family member can also be extremely healing. However, know that not everyone feels comfortable in this role. Some might feel overwhelmed by your emotions or not know how to support you. To avoid this, ask them upfront if it’d be okay if you could vent to them. Let them know if you just want them to listen or other ways you’d like to be supported.
“I’m unsure which pain is worse — the shock of what happened or the ache for what never will.”
Unknown
Be Open to Help from Others
Don’t be ashamed to receive extra support if you need it. Meet with a grief counselor or therapist. Some hospice programs even offer free of charge grief counseling services for family members.
Looking back, caregiving for my father would have been much easier if I had asked for more support from my friends and family. Instead, I tried to take on so much responsibility all by myself. I wrongly assumed others didn’t care or want to help.
Read Also: How Changing My Story Improved My Life
Your Journal is Your Friend
There’s just so many benefits of journaling. It will help you let go of painful emotions by writing them out. Freely express whatever you’re thinking and feeling without any judgement.
The process of writing out your thoughts will also give you deeper understanding of your difficult emotions. You can recognize false negative thoughts and beliefs that may be causing some of your painful feelings.
For example, I didn’t realize that a large part of the pain I was feeling from losing my father was negative thoughts of guilt. If I hadn’t journaled, I wouldn’t have had the same understanding of why I felt so bad. I then realized that holding onto guilt and regret was only creating needless suffering for myself. It only added onto the grief. Choosing to forgive myself and let these emotions go was key to my own healing process.
Grief Never Goes Away
Although the pain of grief gets better over time, it never completely goes away. It will always be a part of you. But knowing this will help you to accept that it will always be there. Let go of judging yourself or thinking you shouldn’t feel this way.
Remember that experiencing grief is not a bad thing. It’s a testament to how much the loved one meant to you. You can honor them by through cherishing the good times and embodying the qualities you loved about them.
“The only cure for grief is to grieve.”
Earl Grollman
Closing Thoughts
Healing grief is a unique process for each person. It requires having to process through all the many emotional layers of grief. Negative emotions such as anger, regret, guilt, sadness, depression, anxiety and more.
However, allowing yourself to finally let go of these painful emotions is an act of self-love. It doesn’t mean that you no longer care about or miss your loved one. Find a way to make peace with your loss, in your own time frame.
I hope these lessons on grief I learned from losing my father will help you on your own healing journey. I would love to hear in the comments about your own experiences with grief and what’s helped you to heal <3.
