Self-improvement has many benefits, but there is also a negative side that can be ruining your life. Seeking constant improvement can perpetuate a perfectionistic, insecure outlook of yourself and the world.
Often, while trying to improve ourselves, we get caught up in ideals of how we should be or what we should be doing. While it’s important to have goals, chasing unrealistic ideals will only make you feel worse about yourself.
Trying to change yourself through self-improvement may actually be ruining your life.
Read on for ‘5 Ways Self-Improvement is Ruining your Life’:
Contents:
- It’s Ruining Your Self-Esteem
- You Depend too Much on Others
- It’s an Excuse to Procrastinate
- It Deepens Perfectionism
- It Causes Self-Righteousness
5 Ways Self-Improvement is Ruining Your Life
1. It’s Ruining Your Self-Esteem
Our minds have a funny way of only recognizing what we already believe is true. For example, if we think everyone is out to get us – we won’t recognize trustworthiness even when it’s offering a helping hand.
If we believe we’re just not enough – our minds will look for reasons why we’re not enough and go about trying to fix it. But the more you try to fix yourself, the more your flaws seem to stand out. Trying to fix low self-esteem with self-improvement won’t work, and may be ruining your life.
Low self-esteem is like viewing yourself with a distorted lens. No matter how much you try to fix yourself, if you don’t change your lens, the picture is always going to be interpreted the same: flawed and broken.
Of course, I’m not saying that you should deny your flaws or shortcomings. We all have them. It’s worthwhile to work on improving negative habits and behaviors. But don’t fall into the trap of believing that you’re not good enough until you’re completely perfect.
Don’t wait until you have the perfect body, solid confidence, or overcome your anxiety disorder – to love and feel good about yourself now. Perfection does not exist. Everyone has an endless list of flaws that could be improved upon.
Preying on Insecurity
Unfortunately, some businesses within the self-improvement industry prey upon people’s insecurities. They’ll highlight your feelings of unworthiness so can they offer to fix you. They’ll brag about their picture-perfect lives to make you feel worse about your own.
What really sickens me is there is often a message communicated that – you’re not enough until you achieved something grand. That you got to accomplish something big – start a successful company, get famous, become a millionaire – to validate your worthiness, or place in the world. Buying in to this perspective only creates a negative effect on yourself and your life.
I reject this outlook and choose a more humanistic perspective: I believe we’re all inherently worthy just as we are now. We all have inherent value no matter what we achieve or don’t achieve. Never buy into letting other people make you feel bad about who you are.
Achieving goals is a worthwhile endeavor. However, if you think achieving a goal is going to ultimately make you feel better about yourself – then think again. True self-esteem and self-worth can only come from within. It’s a choice of perspective that you can start choosing now.
2. You Depend too Much on Others
Depending too much on others for advice or decision-making, makes us lose trust in our own inner wisdom. Don’t get me wrong – it’s beneficial to seek advice from those who are more experienced than us. This could be in the form of mentors, friends, or self-improvement books, videos, courses, etc.
But when we put these teachers on a pedestal – it ruins our self-esteem and stunts our growth.
Despite how perfect they may seem, that best-selling author or serial entrepreneur does not have all their shit together either. We put others on a pedestal when we assume they have or know something innately that we don’t. But the reality is they’re not any more talented or capable than anyone else- they just had the nerve to actually go and do the things they wanted to.
It can be life-transforming to absorb knowledge like a sponge from many sources. However, no one knows the journey you’re on like you do. Only you know what’s best for you and your current life path. Even if you make a wrong choice – that’s yours alone to make and learn from.
Depending too much on others only reinforces the belief that you’re incapable and needy. You lose connection with your own intuition, or inner knowing, and start to doubt yourself.
Instead, get in touch with your inner wisdom and learn to trust yourself. Make time for quiet reflection so you can start to hear your inner voice. Don’t put the sole responsibility of your healing and transformation in the hands of another. Become your own therapist, coach, and your own best teacher. Depending too much on others for self-improvement robs you of your own power and may be ruining your life and self-esteem.
Read Related: How to Know what you Really Want and Discover a Worthy Goal
3. It’s an Excuse to Procrastinate
Procrastination: we all do it. It has many forms – zoning out on the computer, watching television, sleeping in, etc. It creeps in so subtly that we’re not even aware we’re doing it. And it’s not just when we’re being lazy, preoccupying ourselves with busy-ness is just as common.
Even seemingly productive procrastination is still procrastination. Spending too much time on self-improvement can be an excuse for avoiding the necessary action needed to move you forward.
You might tell yourself that you just need more understanding before you start taking action. You want to feel 100% certain that it’s the right action to take. But truth is, if you wait for 100% certainty before you take your shot – you’ll never take it.
Improvement in any form is painful because change is painful. So is stepping out of your comfort zone. Our minds are always going to try to avoid pain. But with deeper awareness, you’ll know when it’s time to stop accessing what you need to do and actually start doing it.
Stop Avoiding the Pain
Procrastination is a way to avoid painful emotions. For me, it’s the fear of failure. I feel it like a wound up knot in my stomach whenever I move outside my comfort zone. I even feel it now as I write these words. However, I’ve learned to mindfully embrace this uncomfortable feeling, instead of resisting it.
You’re always going to be scared to fail, take that difficult action, or make a mistake. It’s tough feeling the uncomfortable feelings that come with actually caring a lot about something. I personally have wasted too much time indulging in self-improvement books thinking I could do something to stop feeling so afraid. But now I know that being scared is natural – and there’s nothing I can do about it. Instead, lean into the uncomfortable feelings slowly. Allow them to just be as you take the action you need to.
Too much time in reflection is not always conducive to growth. If you look deeper, you may find you’re just avoiding what you know needs to be done. Too much ‘analysis’ really does lead to ‘paralysis.’
4. It Deepens Perfectionism
Working to improve yourself is usually a good idea. But if you’re a perfectionist, like me, it can turn into an obsessive quest to ‘fix’ your every flaw. The more you try to better yourself, the more overtly aware you become of your every flaw and shortcoming.
Perfectionists strive for high, unrealistic ideals for themselves and their lives. They have very low tolerance for flaws. They tend to be overly critical towards themselves and highly concerned with the opinions of others.
Having rigid ideals for yourself, others and life is both limiting and painful. When the ideals are not met, it often leads to harsh self-criticism, anxiety or disappointment.
If you’re a perfectionist then the standard, run-of-the-mill self-improvement advice is likely not best for you. Trying to change certain things about yourself is not the answer if the problem really lies with your distorted, perfectionistic outlook.
Give up trying to live up to some unrealistic ideal of who you think you should be. If you don’t, you’re never going to feel the improvement is enough, or that you’re enough.
Being your best self is not about picking yourself apart while trying to fix every shortcoming or flaw. Rather, it’s about realizing that you’re already enough now – flaws and all – and that you’ve always been enough. Only through self-love and acceptance can we find true contentment and self-worth.
Striving for self- improvement may not be the solution you’re searching for. Instead, try cultivating self-compassion as an antidote to perfectionistic thinking. Self-compassion means being kind and loving towards oneself, especially with one’s flaws and failures.
For more information on the benefits of self-compassion go to self-compassion.org.
5. It Causes Self-Righteousness
Self-improvement changes both the relationship you have with yourself and with others. These changes are unavoidable. Sometimes you outgrow people because they no longer vibe with the new, updated version of you.
As you change and grow, you’ll start to experience better and better results in both your inner and outer life. However, it’s tempting when you start to see great results to let it get to your head.
Being self-righteous means having a holier-than-thou, morally superior attitude towards others. For instance, during a conflict, say you take the high road of choosing your words mindfully as not to hurt others. Your friends or family might not do the same, and lash out impulsively. It’s easy to judge others and assume you’re more mature or spiritual.
Or perhaps you have friends that seem to be making the same dead-end choices again and again. Or hooking up with the same self-centered losers. It’s tempting to feel superior, judgmental, and that you know better than them. However, instead of judging them, try to see things from their perspective. Remember a problem you’ve had in your life where the solution seemed so obvious to others but difficult for you.
Respect the Journey
Everyone is on their own unique path. What has been right for you, may not right for them. Also, remember that not everyone wants your advice, nor is it your job to ‘fix’ other people. Although solutions for others may seem obvious to you, sometimes it’s best to bite your tongue. Allow others to find their own way, on their own timeline.
No matter how far you’ve come or how much you’ve achieved you’re still ignorant in many areas, as we all are. There will always be room for growth. This is not a bad thing. There will always be others who are more advanced in some areas than you, and others who are less in certain areas.
Sometimes it’s lonely on the path of personal growth. Others may not understand why you’re putting in the time and work to invest in yourself. However, resorting to self-righteousness is not the answer. This perspective will only make you feel more isolated from others. It’ll cause you to become ignorant and close-minded. It’s when we start to think we know it all, that we close ourselves off from the wisdom available all around us.
Read Related: How to Stop Letting Negative Emotions Control your Behavior
Stop Self-Improvement from Ruining your Life
While there are some drawbacks to self-improvement, it’s still a worthwhile journey. Even small changes add up to more happiness and outward success. Just remember, it’s most empowering to trust in yourself and listen to your own inner voice. No one knows what’s best for you and your life like you do. Practice quieting your mind, and tuning in to the insight that’s already within you, instead of leaning too much on others.
The self-improvement and success industry has been growing enormously in recent years. While there are a lot of inspiring teachers and thought leaders out there, there’s also many schemers trying to bank on your insecurities. We each have our own definition of success so don’t buy into the illusion that more is always best.
Don’t listen to the lies that you need to achieve something outside of yourself to become validated or worthwhile. Work on improving yourself – only while knowing that you are already enough just as you are now – because the best solution is always self-love.
Thank you for taking the time to read this post. Please comment – What is a ‘negative effect’ you’ve experienced from your own self-improvement journey?
Read next: The Courage to Change: Why Personal Growth Requires Courage
