“In the day and in the night
pain is a flower
pain is flowers, blooming all the time”
Charles Bukowski, My Garden
Negative emotions are often triggered by painful events from our past. It’s common to let these negative emotions take over and unconsciously start affecting our behavior. However, we need to change this behavior when it hurts ourselves or those we love the most.
As children, these behaviors helped us cope with our environment. But as adults they no longer serve us and only have detrimental effects on our lives. Read on to learn how to stop letting negative emotions affect your behavior.
Replace Negative Emotions
I used to feel depressed often and thought my future was bleak. Like the above poem (my favorite from Charles Bukowski) pain was always blooming in the garden of my mind. I couldn’t find a way out of my constant state of anxiety. Then one day, I decided to face my pain, roll up my sleeves and pull out my inner ‘weeds’ one by one.
Our mind is like a garden. We must tend to it constantly.
Pull out the weeds of insecurity, doubt, and fear. Choose to replace them with love, hope, and self-compassion. We must nurture the qualities we want to grow within ourselves.
Awareness is Key to Change Behavior
I’m currently reading Gary Zukav’s Mind of the Soul. He also wrote the best-selling Seat of the Soul which was popularized by Oprah Winfrey who said it completely changed her life.
Mind of the Soul expands on the power of our choices. Zukav writes,
“Each part, or aspect, of your personality brings with it conflicting goals, perceptions, and values…. You will make unconscious choices until you bring the parts of your personality you do not know about into your awareness, examine them, and change them.”
The first step to making better choices is through awareness. Our awareness is like a light that shines on the dark parts within us. Zukav calls these the “frightened parts of our personality.”
Practice Awareness
You start with becoming aware of the painful emotions you feel. Notice the thoughts attached with them. Ask yourself what it is you’re afraid of when you feel that way.
Then observe how these emotions affect your behavior. Ask what this emotion wants and what it’s trying to avoid.
“Each painful emotion and uncontrollable reaction is a reminder to look inside yourself, not outside yourself. There is no other way to meet the unconscious parts of your personality.”
Gary Zukav, Mind of the Soul
Read Related: Why I Finally Chose to Become an Optimist
Set a New Intention
The next step is set a new intention. An intention is like a goal, but it’s also the motivation behind our actions. It’s a goal combined with a deep commitment to make it happen.
Clearly define how you want to change. For example, if you want to change an anger issue, your new intention might be to ‘remain calm and act with patience in triggering situations.’
For me, to change my people-pleasing behaviors I made it my new intention to ‘always be my authentic self even if it upsets other people.’
Read Related: How to Know what You Really Want and Discover a Worthy Goal
Make Conscious Choices
To create real change, it’s not enough to just say a few affirmations or think happy thoughts. We need to follow up the new intention with action.
No matter how many times we say we want to change a negative pattern, it’ll keep showing up as an automatic reaction until we 1) become aware when this happens and 2) consciously choose to act differently until it becomes an automatic habit.
Process to Stop Negative Emotions from Affecting Your Behavior:
I learned this process from Gary Zukav’s Mind of the Soul.
- Become Aware of your ‘Triggers’: Observe what triggers you and how this affects your behavior. How do you behave? Why do you behave that way? What negative emotions are you feeling? What thoughts are you thinking?
- Be a Nonjudgmental Observer: When you’re triggered, witness your thoughts and emotions in a nonjudgmental, objective way. Allow yourself to feel the negative emotions without reacting to them. Breathe deeply and allow whatever you’re feeling to simply be.
- Remind Yourself You Want to Change: Reconfirm that this is the unconscious behavior you want to change. Remind yourself of the negative consequences this behavior has created for you in the past.
- Repeat Your New Intention: Repeat your new intention to yourself in the form of an affirmation.
- Act with the New Behavior: Choose to act in the new, healthy behavior you want. Use your strong will and commitment to take the new action, even while feeling strong negative emotion. Keep acting in this way each time, even though it feels uncomfortable. Eventually it’ll become a new habit and the negative emotions will subside. For example, you speak up during work meetings even when your voice is shaking and you’re feeling anxious. Don’t fight the emotion. Instead, let it be while you act with the new behavior.
That’s it! Seems a bit simple right? I thought that at first, too. I felt the urge to over complicate it. However, I’ve been apply it to change my people-pleasing behaviors and have found it very effective.
How I Apply it in My Life
I apply this process by first noticing when my people-pleasing driven anxiety comes over me. I notice my compulsive urge to appease others and try to make them happy at all costs. Then I remind myself of my new intention and how I really want to act. I choose to act as authentically as I can, even when I’m extremely afraid of how the other person might respond.
Since practicing this, my people pleasing ‘triggers’ have been less frequent. When they do occur, I’m able to calm myself down and then consciously choose new behavior. I no longer let unconscious behaviors rule my life. I know that with continued practice and determination, I will release this negative behavior and replace it with a healthier habit.
Choosing to Let Go
Personal growth is not just about adding to or changing ourselves. But also letting go of that which no longer serves us.
Life moves in cycles of growth and contraction. We can’t maintain constant growth. We must also release the negative patterns that are holding us back. This includes negative people and circumstances. We can’t make way for the new until we’re ready to release the old.
Sometimes in the cycles of contraction, or letting go, it feels like nothing is happening. Like we’re trying really hard but it’s not working. But don’t give up and remember that change takes time. Be consistent and patient with yourself.
Change happens slowly with baby steps and one conscious choice at a time. Your life will improve significantly once you stop letting your negative emotions affect your behavior.
Take One Step at a Time
Change is tough. It requires keeping our new intentions at the forefront of our minds. We must take the action we don’t feel like doing in the moment. We can always make the choice to react in a conscious way, even when we’re trembling in fear.
Become aware of unconscious habits and choose to change for the better. Then can we stop letting our negative emotions affect our behavior.
You must become the person you want to be before you feel completely ready to. Just keep moving forward with your intention, one better choice at a time. Tend to your garden, pull out your weeds and keep watering the seeds you want to grow. With persistence, your ‘seeds’ of new, healthier behaviors will become automatic.
So take it one step, one conscious choice, at a time!
Read Next: 10 Powerful Ways Mindfulness Changed my Life
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